Wand Waving

Yey! I received my first ever Christmas e-card for the year!

Super thank you, Tophee! You made my day ha.

Promise, I'll write you a super long, handwritten letter like the old times before the week ends. Are you coming home this Holidays? Please say yes.

The Warmth

Do you think I should adhere
To that pressing new frontier
And leave in my wake a trail of fear?
Or should I hold my head up high
And throw a wrench in spokes by
Leaving the air behind me clear?
- Incubus

Halaga

What started with little lies has now grown into such a terrible heartache that almost nothing can beat - not even that lovely Greek! Spending the whole night arguing and taking blows were inarguably tiring. Dada was right, I should've listened and saved my myself from blows that are quite deafening.

It was around 3 in the morning when Dada's 3 and a half hour long litany finally ended. He started yakking while we were in the car, on our way home from Palacio de Maynila. And there I found myself painfully wondering when will these "boys" finally realize that I am worthy of something great.

This morning as I opened my mail - a friend, who is now based in the US, wrote something that made me cry like there's no more tomorrow. And it reads...

Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayo'y nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga

What can I say, pigs - no matter how cute and lovable they seem to be, are still pigs and will act like one. Its just sad that no matter what you do, some people will refuse to love you just the way you should be loved. Ha! Ever heard of some old senti lines that go - I cannot make you love me if you don't, you can't make your heart feel something it won't? So sounds family now to me.

But as always, I will grow up way ahead of those within my range and be a blessing to those who are far more suffering than I am.

You see, I am a great and prayerful woman's daughter.

Home Bound

DISCLAIMER: This piece is not for the impatient.

Rising on the wrong side of the bed has truly contributed so well in ruining the entire day. Tuesday was a terrible day and I did not quite see it coming.

Ever since I have plunged in the corporate pool back in 2003 (a month after graduation), I have always embraced the better learner side of me and would almost always be consumed by too much thinking and analysis to anticipate any setbacks. Ha! What can I say, I am an analyst - work and otherwise.

But yesterday was different.

It did not actually start this deep dark, it was when the Earthquake hit the metro - I so felt it. I got scared all together and could not compose myself even hours after that. You see, our office is located in the 29th floor of one of the tallest buildings along Ayala Avenue so I hope you get the picture. And then I was tapped to do a presentation about learning techniques due the next day. I caught myself sending endless sms and making phone calls to friends who could possibly help me digest such learning techniques! I ended up rushing to several bookstores hoping to find the best-bound pages I could possibly have.

Another catch is that it was raining so hard after my meet and bound pages hunting! As we should all know by now, when it rains - it was so effing hard to get a cab. These cab drivers suddenly became so choosy and would normally ask for a fixed, higher rate. Damn it!

I tried my "luck" on people within my strings to pick me up - making super numerous phone calls (I made 57) and none of them were effing answered. I was so helpless leaving me so marred and miserable.

In my mind I was chanting over and over - why is it hard to reach them when you're in an I-need-someone-to-pick-me-up-now kind of spot and why are they not even answering their damn phone? You can tell, I was furious. My limited mind can no longer fathom such a puzzle. I just wanted to get home and take a warm bath, for crying out loud!

Good Lord, please send me an earthly angel was my constant plea and He answered. Many thanks to Manong driver! He saved me from lunacy by confusing himself that I am I.R. (a local actress) and was even asking for an autograph! Hilarious!

Today is a new day, I suppose. I kicked some ass with my presentation and it did not hurt that I got an A for a rank.

Ha! So much for bad days.

Labyrinth

My alter ego was right when she realized that she is not putting too much trust on some people within her strings. She just simply cannot completely entrust her whole being to a fellow flawed soul - she just find it too hard.

Time and time again, she would resist the call of this hymn but at once she reaches the bottom of this abyss, she would do things her own and almost always trust nobody but He, who is bigger than anyone else.

Digging deeper and hoping to find a quick remedy, she just knew how terrible it was when someone really dear would lie and hide almost all the time from her - keeping her in such a dark, murky place. Yet she forgives and hold on to that something so great that her eyes glee at the moment she feels the warmth of its embrace.

This not-too-trusting attitude is never innate. It all started when a series of unfortunate lies resurfaced in 2004 and since then, she almost vowed that she would not be the same doormat little girl ever again. While she gives her almost all to those she vowed to keep, she would still venture into some little feat - proving to her audience that while she appears fragile, she's no nincompoop and her brain can compute and connect the dots quite very well.

This conundrum is becoming extra difficult for a mind game but she trusts that she would eventually find her way out and emerge a victor.

Casanova's Love

Having been out for almost a week and is now sporting pretty tan lines, I know there are so much writing in tow. There are so many insights I would want to unleash but for some reason, I am afraid I cannot publish such thoughts.

But I can be discreet.

Over the weekend, an old friend asked me out on a date. It is common knowledge that I have been in a relationship with my beau for 4 years now and it surprised me that this old friend bluntly asked me out on a date - just like that. I was totally caught off guard, so I just laughed it off and politely declined his offer.

After such temporary silence, he called me again - almost nagging me why we should go out and be merry like what old friends do. I listened to him as he paraded all his good intentions and I was amazed at how he almost begged to win my yes for a fancy dinner date. It was a pretty much an old conversation but what bothered me now is when he said that I am a two-timer magnet. He, for some reason, cannot compute in his mind why am I being faithful when I always end up being with a two-timer.

To be tagged a two-timer magnet is a very bitter pill to swallow but I am quite good now in ignoring such name-calling.

You see, I know what its like to be betrayed for I have been there so many times and I am telling you, it was a very narrow and difficult road but that will not make me stoop and do the same things. I am not going to use that as an excuse for me not to stay faithful. A wrong cannot be corrected by another wrong, I was told by my Mom.

People can call me "pity" for deciding not to be a loose woman for all I care. I just simply intend to be faithful to the love I promised to keep.

To be different has always been my choice.

Dangerous Lies

Why do some people pretend to be someone they're not?
Why would someone lie to death when it is quite evident that lies will find their way to be found out?
Why is it so hard to be honest about everything?

The danger of telling lies is that the day will come when no one will ever believe you anymore. And that is scary.

Graffiti

Its been more than an hour and I caught myself just staring on this blank screen. Forgive me for this but I am running out of something really good and interesting to write about. But then again these never fail to interest me.

color theory.
enticing conversation.
real people.
sitting outside.
cold noses.
concert in the shower.
bust a move.
siblings.
books.
wine coolers.
laughing until my cheeks hurt.
being close.
missing those that are far.
long walks.
warm baths.
subtitles.
lying in bed.
movies.
perfect pecks.
hot smooches.
blankets.
good friends.
dreaming.
holding hands.
being warm.
thumping hearts.
old windows.
memory boxes.
pink.
paintings.
running into people at the market.
singing.
learning.
flip flops.
shoes and more shoes.
cheek kissing.
adventures to everywhere.
dancing.
my bed.
being a classy Delilah.
walking.
the morning glory outside of my room window.
tears.
delicate kisses.
reunion.
glasses.
road trips.
the good book.
surprises.
delicate kisses.
paint pens.
crayons.
sun roofs.
midnight expeditions.
hugs.
really good hugs.
some weird but pleasant sounds.
crisp sound of dry leaves.
gold.
pearl.
Elisier.
unexpected phone calls.
no make up look.
strangers.
decorated mix cds.
sms.
tact.
snail mails.
e-mail.
honesty.
faithfulness.
new things.
old things.
stacks of movie tickets.
my mobile phone.
chilly digits.
journal.
nice tops.
dyslexia.
feeling small and tall.
cleaning.
cheek bones.
pointed nose.
arched brows.
true beauty.
quiet time.
kids.
Great Providence.
written phone messages.
white. white. white.
finding lost things.
getting extra tan.
sun.
beaches.
people who care.
colored candy.
unconditional love.

So there. Sue me!

Deliverable

I made a very big decision and felt really lofty.

It took me several weeks before I finally had the spunk to throw away some of the clutters that has kept me from really moving forward. I lovingly dug my "baul" and looked at those things which never failed to remind me of my mistakes, hurts and triumphs and of those from whom I loved in the past.

I have written several times about how awful my day(s) have become because I let it be. I understand that it is not the issues that caused me to become some sort of a person I am not supposed to be but it is with how I respond to whatever fire thrown on my face.

As I dug, I caught myself getting a bit distracted of such harsh emotions that I had to wail to release such. I thought to myself, I let these things keep me from really moving on and from being a much better person so, I have to make a stand and free myself from such chains. I know I am doing the right thing as what Paul said in Ephesians - "You were taught, with regard to your former life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds."

I was still in my shilly-shally mode as I went out of our house, watched these clutters get burned and saw myself free from future "digging".

I know I am not yet completely free but I already took the first step.

A good start - deliverable indeed.

Worthy of the Greeks

Legion of nights ago, Hon and I watched Humor Has It. The flick was an ok-ok film but what made it remarkably astounding for me is the way some of the words or scenes touched my sometimes confused mind and disgusted soul.

Not that I am proud of it but our relationship has gone through sundry tests and fire worthy of the Greeks - caused by others and our own blunders too. Among the many fluffs, my "favorite" is the classic betrayal incidents that caused me so much - numerous sleepless days and nights, never ending cry-ola moments, several meet ups with friends just so I can unleash the "trouble" the "mild" betrayal has caused me and not to mention a certain trauma. Having been betrayed by somebody you dreamed of spending the rest of your life with is a major knock out like no other. But I have learned to accept that the ones you loved the most are those who can hurt you the most, that we all have fallen and committed mistakes.

After all the drama, soap opera like dialogue and shedding buckets of tears, we both have managed to learn from our mistakes - making sure that we don't commit the same mistakes again. Several times as we journey hand in hand, I'd get tempted to let go and embrace single blessedness but as always, my man refuses to give up. To him, our relationship has a great chance of lasting a lifetime - with the quality of our daily conversations, the sacrifices we have chosen to make, the tests, laughter and the tears. We are already one, as he would put it - "there's no you or me, only us". And like what he wrote in his testimonial for me - "nobody has ever loved me the way she does."

Going back to the movie, there was a scene there wherein Sarah (played by Jennifer Aniston) was asking her Dad some questions about the time when her Mom went to Mexico and slept with another man the week before they tie the knot. She asked her Dad what made her Mom went back to Pasadena and married her Dad. And he lovingly answered "because she loves me and she said that she can build a life with me."

That statement hit me the hardest. Now it is really clear to me, that the reason why Hon had chosen for my hands back simply because he loves me and is willing to build a life with me as he also continually reminds me that love is a commitment - despite and in spite of.

Moving Forward

Up before dawn -
Feeling heavy and so out.
With sweat pouring;
As December wind kisses such cheeks.

In silence, almost moving;
Both hands are clasped.
Lifting a foot -
Hoping nobody would notice.

Feeling a very cold hand;
Almost swearing.
Leaving this pneuma dumbfounded;
Dithers!

To utter is to be hushed;
Yet to tell the truth is a must.
Just look around;
You'll see, this is the best you'll ever have.

Forever

You don't know what you got, until it's gone
And you don't know what you lost, until it's gone
And when somebody that you know goes away (and dies)
They're gone !
They're gone !
They're gone !
Forever !
- Limp Bizkit

Life Cyclone

My hands are down signaling that I am completely agreeing with a rather old statement that reads - we are all a work in progress. Simply because, we are. If we are all done with our supposed work here on Earth, then why are we still here? I have chosen to believe that I am still alive after all the heart wrenching trials I have been through because God isn't done with me yet.

Based on mere observation, our everyday is, was and will always be blessed with trials that come in different shapes - some come in handy and some don't. My faith has been tested so many times already, I sometimes stumble and would want to give up but His grace is always good enough for me to get back to where I am supposed to be - a race I lovingly called Life.

While we are all a work in progress, I am having a hard time dealing with lies - white, gray and heck, whatever the color you may want to give this, but at the end of the day, it is still a lie. A lie is a lie. Period.

We can all continue hiding where one is most comfortable in, have a secret life and then later say, "I have been forgiven so there's no need for me to discuss my wrong doing and it is between me and my Maker." Of course, who wants to discuss their mistakes with a human being? But let's not forget that that mistake - no matter how incredible the story behind that mistake is, will always have a dirty effect to the other person. Did you ever ask for the person's forgiveness and sincerely apologize? Or did you just say you're sorry just because you were found out?

Please don't read me wrong. I am not perfect. All I am saying is, every time we said yes or no to something - this decision will affect somebody.

I have fallen short a lot of times already and it is by His grace that I am forgiven - not even because I deserve it. In those times when I felt weak and angry about almost everything, I would complain until that complaining almost destroyed the relationship I promised to keep. The moment I have chosen to complain and yank about both petty and important things, I give no room for the other wonderful things that has ever happened to me for appreciation. In those times when I become selfish, I give no room for myself to love and care for others more and vice versa.

We may not notice it but we affect somebody, somewhere - by our "little" actions. And that impact will soon affect us, again.

Such is the cycle of life.

Butterflies Flee

One of the many things I will always be thankful for is that I was born at the time when to talk is accepted and it does not hurt that I was raised by such wonderful couple who taught me to value relationships, not to lie and encouraged me to express - among others.

Last night, I had a quite long one-on-one session with my Mom - and it was terrible, I had to share something very personal and invited her to pour some wisdom that time has ripened. In between my words, were sobs and hiccups. She did not talk much, she just listened patiently and made me feel that she's all ears. What stunned me is that, she talked and hugged me like she's not my Mom (I mean this in a very good way). She did not show wrath or any negative vibe towards my offender - instead, she reminded me that we all make mistakes and such mistakes can cause other people to get hurt. Sad, sad process but that is the world and we make a difference by changing how we react.

Unbelievable.

After that talk, I prayed so hard that may I be given the courage to face this. You see, I have been betrayed so many times already and I was pretty much convinced that it will be hard for me to trust again. But He is God. I mean, nothing is impossible to Him - we just have to ask. I did and He answered. The experience was more than what my limited mind can ever fathom.

I woke up today feeling so loved and blessed. How can I not forgive those who have offended me big time when I was forgiven and saved first by JC?


Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many time shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
- Matthew 18:21-22

Tragedy's Favorite

Something I just found out -
Broke my heart into pieces.
How did I not see that before?
Too trusting, I must have been.

Did not bother to ask for awhile;
I should have paused and breathe.
Maybe, I was too young and easy;
Knew nothing much about life.

My heart bleeds;
Too hurting, I am. That I know.
Did I drag myself to be here?
To be fooled since day one.

I pinched myself so hard;
But 'twas nothing compared to my inner hurt.
Clouded and numb.
I have become darn tragedy's favorite.



"... and you will be sure that your sin will found you out."
Numbers 32:23

Be Somebody

I want to be somebody
I want to make a difference,
For we all are children of the Mother.
I want to be somebody
I want to make a difference,
For we all are children of the Father.
- Paula Cole

Cheap Thrills

I haven't been quite laughing so hard lately but these strips did the trick for me - today.

Rocking Chair

Can't stand myself;
An invisible man held me so tight.
Water is rising;
Got my mind on something else.

Sway as you please.

Be Still

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

"Be still, and know that I am God."
- Psalm 46:10

My Departed

Today, as we "celebrate" All Saint's Day - I am reminded of how my departed loved ones influenced me and my actions.

This page is for them.

Tatay - you left long before I was born yet your goodness and stories about you still linger amongst your 14 lovely grandkids.
Lola Carlota - I was tasked to change your dress and prepare your food when I was 6. Taking good care of you gave me a sense of fulfillment. It was sad that you left when I was 8, I still know how you sound like.
Lola Mariana - I loved Saturdays and Alabang Hills because of you.
Lolo Piping - you always delighted me with your pasalubongs from Antipolo and you made quite a nickname for me, Kata.
Lolo Sergio - my childhood was ever fun because of you. Your stories about "tikbalang" scared me and Macky but your "kakulitans" and our fascinating trips and long walks around the neighborhood still make me smile upto this very day.
Lolo Dunay - of all my Dad's brothers, you're the coolest one and we still sometimes talk about your funny antics - lalo na when you're drunk.
Tata - you're funny, serious, sometimes tolerant kind and distinct cough are all forever etched in me.
Nana Pacing - too many things to say about you but your warm hugs and "tahan na" are the best.
Luigi - you helped me appreciate the Ateneo way and our road trips are priceless.
Mikael - you calling me "cool" and "pare" everytime I cry or had a fight with my Dad when we were both a lot younger, helped me toughen up inside.
Adda - God is ever alive in your life, I saw it. Thank you for rebuking me when I needed it.
Tita Choi - badminton will never be the same without your powerful smash.
Chinggy - you are definitely one of the smartest kids I've ever met - you knew all the countries (and their capitals) in the world, you knew the Solar system and you can do simple math when you were 4. You helped me appreciate kids even more.
Bin - my forever pakner. I am thankful to have been blessed by your wonderful friendship.

A minute of prayer for you.