Greetings

" A very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Let's hope its a good one, without any fear."

*photo c/o Google Image

I thought of you today

I thought of you today.

The crisp sound of your laughter,

they linger -

it was as if you never really left.

I thought of you today

and all those could have been's.

I could still see your face -

although frail, I knew you gave me your best.

I thought of you today.

Those times when you would

tell me, how hard headed I can be.

But you still loved and accepted me.

I thought of you today.

How in my everyday life the past year,

I would see you in your bed -

and you would lovingly look back at me.

I thought of you today.

And I grew very sad -

not knowing how to take life on,

without you in there anymore.

I thought of you today.

And I am grateful, too.

I knew you lived a great life -

thank you for loving me.

I miss you, Lo.

My Lolo Oeng

It has been told many times over that there are only 2 undeviating things in this world – death and taxes. Over the past couple of days, I have been contemplating on the former – death. Having been left behind by several lovely earthly angels in the past, I know I should be more prepared when it comes to death but my Lolo Oeng’s passing is just too much for me to handle.

Lolo Oeng is my Mom’s Dad. Much of the values that I embrace now are influenced by him – love for my country, family, Editorial pages of the daily broadsheet and his kind of being strict – to name a few. But above all the traits that Lolo Oeng possessed, his love for my Lola topped everything else.

Through Lolo Oeng’s eyes, I have seen what it means to love. His love for my Lola (which all her grandchildren lovingly endeared as Iya) is almost just as unwavering as his dealings with his own principles. When my Iya was afflicted by Alzheimer’s disease a few years back, Lolo Oeng would lovingly take good care of Iya – cook for her, buy stuff for her, would remind her to take a bath,  ask Iya’s hair cutter to take good care of Iya’s do almost every 2 months, religiously cut Iya's fingernails and the list goes on. Even when he was already bed-ridden, he would still make sure that Iya was being taken good care of. Before he eats his breakfast/lunch/dinner, he’d make sure that Iya has eaten first or that she has her juice drink stored in the fridge.

He loved my Iya more than anything in this world – I saw that. 

Lolo Oeng showered me with such wonderful love very early on in my life. He was out of the country for awhile but when he got back home, he made sure that he compensated for all those days he missed.

Being his first grandchild, he spoiled me a little with so many tangible things that money can buy. He gave me my first gold dangling earrings when I was barely in school, a doll that cries  and closes her eyes (which scared me to death), so many books to read, a little red karaoke box that has a mic attached to it, birthday cards that produces music when you open them, a toy birthday cake that “sings”, a little piano set and a whole lot more. Mom would often tell me that I am my Lolo’s favorite – being his first grandchild,  I gave him daw so much joy with my crazy antics.

When I was already a teenager, Lolo and I would often have these misunderstandings – huge age gap. He was the conservative type and I was a teenager trying to get to know herself. He was white and I was gray. We would often clash because I wanted to do a lot things that most girls would not want for themselves. He would often tell me that I was always being hard headed. One time he asked me, why can’t I be just some “normal” girl. I remember telling him that I am normal. Its just that the things that I want is not common – but I am very normal.
  

My Lolo may not always like what I do but I know he understands that this is me. And through the years, we both have learned to appreciate the kind of person that we are meant to be. I will always be that girl who sings in the house even during the wee hours and he will always be that man who wants to be reading the newspaper first.

I have a whole lot of many wonderful memories with my Lolo but one that tops everything was my birthday this year. He greeted me the day before my birthday and when I told him that my birthday is on the 17th, he explained that he just wanted to be the first to greet me. I was very much elated and sobbed like no other.

The next day, my birthday, he greeted me again and would want to sing Happy Birthday to me as if I was his little girl again. I was about to leave the house that morning, heading to Comelec to register when he told me that he asked Tito Lucien to buy chicken for me. It was his gift to me, in his own sweet way.  Nothing fancy but it was the best birthday gift he ever gave me. That simple gesture made me want to cry again. And I figured now, that warmly cooked chicken was his last gift to me.

December 4th at around 11 in the morning, my Lolo Oeng breathed his last. He was 85.

I hurriedly left work when I was told about what happened. When I got home, I went straight to their room and there I saw his lifeless body covered with a blue blanket. For the first time in my whole life, I cried like I almost lost my mind. I remember calling him – “Lolo! Lolo!” many times but there was no response. I was hoping that he was still alive, that he was just in deep slumber. I embraced him and his body was still warm at that time but he was no longer breathing.

Something cold and hard struck my heart – my Lolo Oeng is gone. There will no longer be Holidays with him, no more mornings seeing him read his broadsheet and take his coffee, no more early evening TV shows, no more “Salbahe talaga yan si Gloria Arroyo”, no more asking of what is the dollar rate for the day,  – no more memories to make with him. 

For awhile, I felt my world stopped. But what with the jolting and comfort that my Tito Lucien gave me that very moment, I went back to my senses and realized that death is, indeed, very real.

Today is the 4th day since my Lolo Oeng left and went back to a place where no arthritis, pneumonia and diabetes could ever hurt him and right now, I miss him so very much.

****

Lo, 
I know you are in a very much better place now. I still could not let you go but I will be strong. I miss you so much. I love you so dearly. One day, I know we will see each other again. 

K.

I Promise Myself

To be strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true. 
To think of only the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best. 
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.  

To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet
To give so much time in improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. 

To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world - not in loud words but in great deeds. 
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side so long as I am true to the best that is in me.


- Christian D. Larson 

 

Suffering then Happiness

"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers. only the life that I have lived. Twice in that life I was given the choice, as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety. The man chose suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."

- CS Lewis

Does God exist?

For you

Woke up late for school
with thoughts of you
in my head.

Thinking of the hurt
you have caused me last night
yet you refuse to acknowledge this.

No apologies
just defenses
and explanations way too late. 

The moment you have decided
to call M.E. late at night, 
you were already bound to lose me. 

Regaining my trust
does not happen overnight
it takes a while, you know that. 

Yet, you ignore that - 
thinking that you will always get away.
Hey, think again. 

I made a vow to myself - 
no more tears are to be shed 
from these expressive eyes. 

Not even when I am hurt. 
This girl, will just go through the motions
of pain and suffering. 

And I will endure - 
as always. 
I will not fold. 

Not now.
I will not give you the pleasure
of seeing me in great pain. 

In this game that you play, 
you may have stabbed me, alright;
But you make the biggest fool of yourself.

Words that hit

 

"We are not active in our governance, we will never have the leader we deserve. Or we will have exactly the one we do. A people who do not particularly care if they are screwed will always have who will screw them."

  
- Conrado de Quiros

Yellow Ad

While I am not sure yet who to vote for, this ad entertained me ... for awhile.

This Is It

I never considered myself a Michael Jackson fan. I did not grow up listening much to his songs, by the time his Thriller album was released I was still yet to be born. But like the rest of the world, I was caught off guard when he passed away last June 25th.  I somewhat mourned for the loss. I knew, he was such a great artist. I sang "Heal the World" in school and at such a tender age, that song moved me.

So, when Sony announced that they're going to release the This Is  It movie in late October - my beau and I knew we have to watch it. And we did.

More than his singing prowess and dancing moves, what caught my attention was his being such a perfectionist. I did not realize he can be so into this production, until I saw the film. He was there when they have to choose his dancers to how he was instructing his musician how the song should sound like (just the way his fans knew the song).

Another is how humble and so un-diva he was towards his "co-adventurers" in the production. Every time a mistake has been committed, he would just say "that's why we have rehearsals". Can you believe that? With someone who has that stature, he can just be so forgiving at those mistakes.

He would say, "God bless you" when he liked what he heard or has seen. One touching moment for me was when he said to his lady guitarist during her solo something like "It's your time shine." What an encouragement!

Judging from what I saw in this film, MJ was nowhere the kind of person what other people say about him. He remains to be one of the greatest artist this world has ever seen.

This Is It wonderfully showed what could have been a series of concerts. And I think, it will be some concert that people will remember for a very long time. The 3D production really caught me with so much amazement. Some people inside the theater even clapped their hands - as if we were watching it live.

After watching it, I could not help but say to my beau - "Sayang, he died. It would have been a grand concert."

MJ made me want to see more of his concerts and listen to his songs. And I am not even a fan. Tsk.

The Best Moments in Life

Rummaging through my Inbox - while trying to organize those old missives, I chanced upon this article. It felt good to be reminded time and time again that happiness does not always connote anything that money can buy. As an old song would say, "the best things in life are free".

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing until your stomach hurts.

3. Enjoying a ride down the country side.

4. Listening to your favorite song on the radio.

5. Going to sleep listening to the rain pouring outside.

6. Getting out of the shower and wrapping yourself with a warm, fuzzy towel.

7. Passing your final exams with good grades.

8. Being a part of an interesting conversation.

9. Finding some money in some old pants.

10. Laughing at yourself.

11. Sharing a wonderful dinner with all your loved ones.

12. Laughing just because.

13. “Accidentally” hearing someone say something good about you.

14. Watching the sunset.

15. Listening to a song that reminds you of an important person in your life.

16. Receiving or giving your kiss.

17. Feeling this buzz in your body when seeing this “special” someone.

18. Having a great time with your loved ones.

19. Seeing the one you love happy.

20. Wearing the shirt of a person you love and smelling his/her perfume.

21. Visiting an old friend of yours and remembering great memories.

22. Hearing someone telling you "I love you".
23. Being held by someone dear.
24. A warm hug.

Happiness is a warm gun.

45 Lessons of Life

Live the life.

Bad Spell

 

 

 

 

It happened more than 5 times in one go

When I have all these thoughts

Cramming, rushing - 

Wanting to be blurted out 

But words would not come out - 

They way they always did.

Just as swift.

Then suddenly, 

It was just all blanks and blahs.

No written words for my diary,

Just drawings and random doodling on my sketch pad.

And then I tried to open my mouth,

For want to be heard and listened to - 

My tongue would back out. 

Days will pass,

And I end up creating all sorts 

Of things, I should have written.

Owmaygadness!

Thankfully, the baby in the stroller was miraculously saved and was not that injured but I could imagine the horror of the baby's Mom during that very moment.

God is really good.

Never Again

After weeks of trying to shield myself from pain and all that is akin to it, something sharp pierced me and made its way to my quite delicate heart. A strange yet brutal accusation did it. I have been told, conveniently through sms – that I “love or care for a person, ONLY when I needed them”.

That was a mouthful. Enough to make me cringe and felt utterly sour all throughout. I realized I still have more practicing to do, if I really intend to shield myself from pain caused mostly by other people. I could not help but wonder, is this how I painted myself to this person – that to my horror, I am some heartless and friendly user person? Ugh. What a disaster!

I am not going to parade all the seemingly gargantuan things (at least for this girl) that I did for those I love and care about because that will be bragging and things might twist, people might misinterpret – which do not happen rarely.

It was a brutal attack and I am betting that this person will never apologize for this – because s/he will probably reason that s/he never made anything wrong. Who am I kidding? Ugh. But I am still hoping, I am wrong about this.

I am aware I made some wrong turns and being the expressive person that I am, I sometimes have the tendency to get carried away and would say what I have to say – no cloaking at all. And for that, I am sorry. I have learned and I am now much better in being quite non-verbal.

I shed buckets of tears and my chest pained while I was at it – told you, I have the tendency to get carried away. But after that, I am ok. I am doing myself a favor – spare myself from the beating caused by people who seems to enjoy making assumptions. I refuse to be the victim and instead come out a victor.

And I will learn from this.

I am going to become better and “you” cannot hurt me anymore. EVER.

Again

A good friend left again.

And I am left here -

Pushing myself,
To endure... again.

Super funny!

Owmaygadness! Hilarious.

Couldn't be happier

"Once you go Black, you go Back 2 Back!"

ONE. BIG. FIGHT.

photo c/o of Bleacher's Brew.

For Bin

I am not so sure if you can read this or if you can still see me - but I am keeping my hopes high that in that beautiful place where you are now, you still watch over me - like the way you used to when you were still very much around.

Rummaging through some of my old stuff (and what was left of it) and chanced upon your things, I could not help but feel completely nostalgic. Staring at our pictures made me want to go back in time.

It has been more than 3 years now (almost 4 come November) since you left and you are still very much alive in me. I still know your little antics. And yes, I miss those. 

I played an old song - only to catch myself daydreaming, wishing you're still here. 

You are sorely and forever missed. 

K.

Cannot Wait

I am done reading the book for the 2nd time - I just cannot simply wait for the movie to be shown. 

I heart Edward. Haha. 

Kung Ayaw Mo, Huwag Mo

Hari ng dedmahan ang

teleponong apat na

magdamag ng ‘di umiimik

Kung ‘di ka tatawagan

may pag-asa kayang

Maisip mo ako’t biglang ma-miss

Hindi kita mapipilit kung ayaw mo

‘wag mo akong isipin bahala na

Hindi kita mapipigil kung balak mong

Ako’y iwanang nag-iisa

P’wes walkathon ako patungo riyan

Isosoli ko lang lahat ng mga sulat mo

At me-katok pa yata’ng doorbell n’yo

Magtatatlong oras na’ko rito… hello!?

Kung ayomo ‘wag, Kung ayomo ‘wag,

Kung ayomo, kung ayaw mo, huwag mo!

Kung ayomo ‘wag, Kung ayomo ‘wag

Kung ayomo, kung ayaw mo, huwag mo!

Being V

It happened so fast.

And before she knew it, she is already torn and does not have any inklings whatsoever what to do next. She does not exactly know what to feel - it was all a huge question mark on her forehead.

****

More than once in our lifetime, we face certain circumstances when we feel like such heartaches will never end. From a huge number of being betrayed, wronged and heaven knows what other tangles you're trying to get through and test your enduring power, it is quite a miracle how someone so beat up can stand still and face these odds without losing her sanity and humor. 

Over the years, this girl has learned to be verbal on a lot of things  - when she's hurt, confused and happy, you could sense it from her. She refuses to hide and pretend that things are ok when they're not. But such learned trait has its disadvantages - people (especially the loved ones) categorized her being verbal as complaining and to her horror, self pity-cum-pity partying drama. 

In her vocabulary, there is a huge difference between complaining and expressing herself. But maybe things go wrong because of how she sometimes deliver her words.

She knew too well that she's neither perfect nor a complete evil but sometimes, when things get out of hand and people overdo their mean, selfish and proud ways, she tends to retaliate  and would push herself to the limits.  Sometimes to the extent of blaming herself for all the "bad" things that happened to her. Telling herself that she's never going to be good enough for anyone no matter how hard she tries. Thinking that some people do not really take her as her but as someone they can take advantage of. 

It was during late 2004 when she joined the bandwagon of being verbal  - good or bad. Words that were usually saved in the written form, are heard. Rages that were usually kept inside her room, are felt. She embraced it too well that she could now hardly let go of it when it should better be. 

Something happened to her sometime last week that made quite an impact on her about being verbal, delivery of words and some "misplaced" wrath. She realized that she becomes somebody else - like a female beast, when she bottled her emotions up for too long. And that it is time to really let go of such trait she embraced 5 years ago.

She knows that it'll be quite a challenge but becoming better and taming this roaring female beast has its advantages and will most probably leave her unbruised. 

Rio, it is!

Happiness!

My CNN Hero

Read more here.

Proud to be a Pinoy!

Walking After You

This girl is a huge fan of Foo Fighters since around '95 or '96 - when she was still in this I-will-sing-in-a-band-playing-mostly-alternative-songs phase and still in high school.

7 albums (I have 6) later, I am still listening to their songs over and over like it was the first time I heard their songs.

Did I tell you that I am a HUGE fan? *wink

Twenty Six

Yes, I am a year older - and will become better and wiser. So, despite all the challenges, I made it whole on my 26th. 

Thank you - 

• HIM
  
• Family
  
• Hon
• Really great friends
• Chika mates at work
• Everyday miracles and triumphs
• Never ending tests ( I know they'll make me better, always)
• Ability to enjoy certain detours
• Places I have been to this year
• People who made me smile and laugh... and cry
• Those who never grew tired of keeping my fee on the ground
• Those who remind me of whatever goodness they see in me
• Strangers who are brave enough to initiate a conversation with me
• Medical experts
• The Ateneo Blue Eagles making it to the Final Four 
  

It has been quite a fruitful year for me. I could not thank the Heavens enough.

SURPRISED!

People closest to me know that I never liked surprises at all - for the sheer reason that I do not want to be caught off guard. 

Last night was different. 

My beau pulled off something I never expected him to do - surprise me with dozens of balloons scattered every where and a bouquet of flowers! Under normal circumstances, I could use some strength to pull myself through to certain situations like that but and my drama queen self resurfaced and drops of tears were shed from this girl's eyes. 

It was an "awwww" moment for me. 

I could not help but be so overwhelmed by this gigantic love my man has for me. 

See photos here.

September

... is our birthday month. And we're celebrating it by visiting Cebu next week!

***

Although, we do not always agree - we have managed to compromise. And yes, our strengths include our tremendous ability to bounce back and our uncanny way of communicating to each other.

I have never met any man in the past who has the same passion as my man's and for that I am forever grateful. These days, rare is the man who strongly stands for what is right. I surely do not mind seeing him waiting for me on a "bigger stage" in 12 months.

Here's to another year of togetherness. *raising a glass of Martini*

HBD to Hon and Beb! *happiness*

Lead India TVC

The first time I saw this TVC was during a Sunday Service. I was so touched by the message that I cried. I wondered how come they can come up with such passionate TVC that does not involve anything fancy and glam.

I started to ask, "How come we never make TVC's like this?"

One does not have to be fluent in Indian language to understand the message, you just have to watch.

\

Nostalgic

Going through my usual music video surfing, I came across this old song and suddenly, I was VERY nostalgic.

Green Day ROCKS!

Like the Flowing River

"If he does not struggle against what is wrong
- even if it is beyond his strength,
he will never find the right road."

-Paulo Coelho

4th Time

This is the 4th time, 

I have been in this murky place.

Every time the wind brings me here,

My whole self starts to shatter.

No amount of revival

And certain reminiscing 

Could ever give me that 

Peaceful and important feeling, I so ever want.

I dig for rare handwritten letters,

Stare endlessly at those happy photos

If only to remind myself

How it went well - in the past.

But those hold me only for awhile.

It does not leave me breathless. 

Just of passing.

No amount of cracks could change that, for now.

No amount of money and prestige

Could ever buy or replace a person and his/her love.

As an old song would say,

"You cannot buy me love".

Having been here for the 4th time,

After this episode - 

Gives me a clearer vision

Of what I can ever be. 

We can plan all we want,

But one thing is certain - 

Change is constant. 

And I am certainly all up for it. 

Up

Words escape me as I try to draft a review on Pixar's Up. It was just too beautiful. I cried and laughed while watching this movie.

Up is definitely one of the really good movies I have ever seen in my entire life.

Me really loves it to the max! *wink

Lovebug

I so know.

I am a little too old for them but who cares I love their music and even of this song is so old school already, I still could not help but listen to this every effing moment I switch my iTunes on.

Call me cougar, I don't care. EYELOVE Jonas Brothers!

Wish List

It is my birthday month! I have all the excuses in the world why I should make my own birthday wish list. Haha.

1. Marc by Marc Jacobs Aiden leather bag.

2. Celine Ballet flats.

3. Classic solitaire.

5. Lotsa balloons.

6. UAAP Season 72 Championship for The Ateneo Blue Eagles

7. Good health.

8. World Peace.

So there. *wink

Talking to Self

"When you are weary and you can't sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep."

Anna Wintour on David Letterman Show

This fan was just that ecstatic after watching Anna Wintour showed the world that she have this sense of humor. I love her more for that.

The Hangover

After a side trip from Makati Med last night to have myself checked - I was burning with fever (temp was 39), my man and I decided that we catch "The Hangover". Having read some reviews about this movie, I knew we were pretty much up for a laugh trip - and we did.

I have completely forgotten that I was feverish - really blaming it on this movie.

VERY Hilarious!

Yellow

Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow.

I was born in September 1983; a month after Ninoy Aquino was assassinated at the Manila Airport, now named after him. I was barely 3 years old when People Power happened and not matter how much I tried to rack my brain for whatever anything significant memories at the time, all I could remember was my Iya (my maternal grandmother) telling me that it was chaotic outside and save for those photos captured during the 1986 People Power and kept by my Tito’s (Mom’s side), almost everything back then was a blur and yellowish.

During my elementary years when Corazon Aquino was president, I was not that too keen about her, her causes and how important she was at that time. To my naïve mind, her name was solely part of those questions for our current events examinations – another name to memorize. I was one of those who never liked History at all. I have always been the kind of student who loved to solve and not memorize dates and names.

It was only in high school when I started to take the Philippine government seriously having met no less than FVR himself in one of those school functions. And with my Lolo Oeng’s (my maternal grandfather) influence on me, my pre-teenage years were mostly about being in the know of the current events – here and abroad.

In 2001, I was one of those university students who went out and became part of another Edsa Revolution – calling for the ouster of Erap. We went there on a Friday and the next day, Erap left Malacañang.

It was during that rally where I saw Cory Aquino in the flesh. She was a strong force yet so gentle. That was also a turning point for me – that woman in yellow, who faced all those triumphs with a prayerful heart, did not fail to amaze me. Soon, she was no longer the Mom of Kris Aquino for me. She has become someone great and noble for me.

My Sibika and Kultura teacher once said that we “owe much of our freedom to her” – having toppled an iron clad dictator. And she was just a housewife. I did not take those words sincerely until I started writing very seriously in high school. I loved (and still is) how I bathed in such a freedom to express myself through my writings.

Since the time her children announced that their mother, former President Cory Aquino was battling with Colon Cancer, I was a bit saddened. My worrywart self started to throw some huge questions like – what will happen to us if God decides that it is time for her to go home?

And then the inevitable happened. She went back home to where she will no longer feel any tinge of pain. And most of us, who were left behind, mourned.

I know that I may not have personally known Tita Cory, as what she was fondly called, but I did feel the loss. I may not be that socially aware at the time she was proclaimed as the 11^th President of the country but I am also very aware of how she has sacrificed for this country. I may not have experienced Martial Law, may not have seen many of our natives feel ashamed of being a Filipino but I know what its like to be discriminated in and outside of the country. I may not be part of Edsa People Power Revolution in 1986 but I was raised to love this country and value the freedom that caused some lives of those who came before my generation.

We owe much of our freedom to this woman in yellow and to that, as we bid her goodbye – I am going to thrive to be a better Filipino, always.