It happened so fast.
And before she knew it, she is already torn and does not have any inklings whatsoever what to do next. She does not exactly know what to feel - it was all a huge question mark on her forehead.
****
More than once in our lifetime, we face certain circumstances when we feel like such heartaches will never end. From a huge number of being betrayed, wronged and heaven knows what other tangles you're trying to get through and test your enduring power, it is quite a miracle how someone so beat up can stand still and face these odds without losing her sanity and humor.
Over the years, this girl has learned to be verbal on a lot of things - when she's hurt, confused and happy, you could sense it from her. She refuses to hide and pretend that things are ok when they're not. But such learned trait has its disadvantages - people (especially the loved ones) categorized her being verbal as complaining and to her horror, self pity-cum-pity partying drama.
In her vocabulary, there is a huge difference between complaining and expressing herself. But maybe things go wrong because of how she sometimes deliver her words.
She knew too well that she's neither perfect nor a complete evil but sometimes, when things get out of hand and people overdo their mean, selfish and proud ways, she tends to retaliate and would push herself to the limits. Sometimes to the extent of blaming herself for all the "bad" things that happened to her. Telling herself that she's never going to be good enough for anyone no matter how hard she tries. Thinking that some people do not really take her as her but as someone they can take advantage of.
It was during late 2004 when she joined the bandwagon of being verbal - good or bad. Words that were usually saved in the written form, are heard. Rages that were usually kept inside her room, are felt. She embraced it too well that she could now hardly let go of it when it should better be.
Something happened to her sometime last week that made quite an impact on her about being verbal, delivery of words and some "misplaced" wrath. She realized that she becomes somebody else - like a female beast, when she bottled her emotions up for too long. And that it is time to really let go of such trait she embraced 5 years ago.
She knows that it'll be quite a challenge but becoming better and taming this roaring female beast has its advantages and will most probably leave her unbruised.
