One of the very few things that really pisses me off big time is when I am “forced” to wait. Someone, something or whatever – I am just not a fan of waiting.
As of this writing, I am so bursting with emotions that I had to watch myself breathe – forcing myself to calm down. Tears are nowhere to be found just yet. I am trying to tell myself that everything is going to be okay even if things are not that okay. Suddenly, I have become too passive – wouldn’t really dare to utter words unless asked. I would often wonder for how long I must wait. Do I stay put and let these “horrible” things and creatures be horrible or should I take action and leave this murky place?
Sadly (or not, I don’t know), I am staying put and letting “them” be whoever they want to be. Worse, I am forcing it – dragging myself too much that it hurts already. Forgive me if I am painting myself to be a whining prick – just figuring out an outlet.
Everyday I would challenge myself to stay put and just focus on things that really make sense but somewhere within the day, I would catch myself breathing heavily… almost disgusted and am back wondering to my list of could have been incidents. Silly, I know.
I am fully aware that no one is to be blamed for this but me… only me. I made some difficult decisions and am paying for it big time. It is also fair to say that I am not alone in this journey. Some hands are holding me and for that, I am extra grateful but these hands can hold me only for awhile. Soon, I will reach the bottom and paddle to keep myself afloat again.
With such a heavy heart, I still have not lost my hopeful side. That all these 20-something crises will soon be over. And while I am painstakingly waiting, I have heed C.S. Lewis’ advice – yes, I have started reading fairy tales again.
