Dismantle

Letting go of everything that surrounds me
Just sitting in the silence
Completely numb
No worries, fears or pains
Floating above it all
Flashes of memories come
Reminding me of the past
Showing the person that I was
And who I chose to become
Wondering about the future
And who I will be then
Interested where my life will be
Will I be pleased with the choices that I made
And the path of which I have traveled?

Downcast

Sometimes it blew me off everytime people would say I am good when I am talking in front or when I teach or when I sing or ask me if I don't get chilly when I am in front - what they didn't know is that I have been harboring such insecurity for almost 4 years now. That behind the confident and cosmo look is a crying, insecure soul. You see, I have been betrayed a lot of times, I have seen and heard loved ones lie about/to me and I swear, I have never been this afraid in my entire life! That should conclude why I am such an insecure soul. =(

I hate watching my back almost all the time - it tires my soul so much, I hate being afraid that one day I will found out that somebody in my strings just lied about/to me, I hate checking my email handles only to found out, I just received several hate email messages from people I don't even know (most of them are people who likes my beau - yeah, his students and those I am not supposed to mention), I hate figuring out how on earth did they find out what my handles are (you see, I have changed handles several times - more than you could ever imagine, all because I was trying to runaway from such creatures), I hate being watched (I had this stalker in the past and I swear he scared the wits out of me. READ: Paranoid) and I hate secrets (people with secret lives refuse to be helped) - most especially when everybody knows something but me. Oh man! Don't I deserve honesty?

Oh well.

I just miss my old life so much that I cry the very moment I remember yearning for it. Don't get me wrong, my present is wonderful and so colorful but the circumstances I mentioned previously make me want to go back and stay there forever. But life, no matter how difficult it has become, should go on.

Adulthood can be such a hassle at times but I know life can only become better - I will always be that daddy's little girl who always hopes for the better.

What's my point? Just pouring out - this is my blog anyway.

Blue Sneakers

I was in the middle of a conversation with fellow yuppies in jeans when I noticed that one of them is wearing a pair of blue Adidas sneaks. I got lost in the conversation and just stared at those sneakers with that "missing feeling" within me and thoughts of Hon keep on sinking in.

You see, Hon used to have that kind of sneakers too if not because of old age and of being almost a complete wreck, its not gonna retire yet. I cannot help but miss that blue sneakers. I am a sentimental basurera. I keep receipts, tissues, candy wrappers, gift wrappers, doodle notebooks, journals, all sort of tickets, greeting cards (most of them are older than my youngest sibling who is now 11), I still have my meme who has been keeping me company as I sleep since forever, letters, post it(s) - name it, I think I have it. Yeah, letting go has been an issue for me and for my room in years. What can I say, I am a sentimental basurera but I have changed a bit - I no longer have ex-boxes, baby!

That blue sneakers were amongst my favorite shoes for him - well, one of the things I like about being his Beb is that he ALWAYS asks me what do I like for him or what looks good on him. I appreciate that he asks. That pair of sneaks was actually the first pair of shoes I asked him to buy for himself. It was a love at first sight for me and not to mention of the countless memories that I have with that. From the many crying scenes to walking with our hands clasped, the many hugs and kisses along the streets (yeah, we're that showy!), him carrying me on his back, movies, dining, Midweek/Sunday service, UPD, Baywalk, Puerto Galera, Esteban, Iya's place, under the tree, wooden chair, old office and the list goes on.

Sigh.

Since it was old enough to retire, I no longer see them but I tackle the streets now seeing Skechers, Mendrez, Nike or World Balance walking beside me as the owner lovingly carries my hand.

Thankful Delilah

I loved being 22. A lot of things happened worthy of the Greeks when I was 22.

Then again...

Life, no matter what, has to move on - always.

Here's a confession: I am always afraid of the uncertainty and of what lies ahead but the many earthly angels that I am blessed with - I become bold hearted.

I hate to sound so bathetic but let me thank my earthly angels for their never ceasing efforts in making earth more bearable for me. Ha ha.

I am thankful for my parents who despite of the "inconveniences", made a lot of effort to be the best parents that they can be. They many not be perfect but their inexplicable love for their kids is really something else. They who does not quite meddle with my affairs, who never talked down on people just because, who allow me to be the person that I am, who let me commit mistakes and learn from them, who demanded greatness from all their kids, who taught me that material things and physical aspects won't do my soul any good and they taught me to love whole heartedly.

I am thankful for my siblings, for always making me laugh and think the hardest. My siblings as young as they may seem - are the oldest bunch of "kids" I know.

I am thankful for my friends (from school, work and elsewhere) for they never fail to light my spark. I am in touched with my childhood and still growing up to become that person we're meant to be.

I am thankful for the kids, for they constantly remind me that God is not yet done with the world.

I am thankful for Elijah(s), for he (they) helped me to focus more on what is essential.

I am thankful for those who caused me so much pain, for I have proven that God is always with the broken hearted.

I am thankful for my Hon, who brought me to a place where there's no I or him - only us. My relationship with him is really different from the rest for he brings out the best and the worst in me. I love him like no one else because I know him like no one else.

Suntok Sa Buwan

I'll be 23 on tomorrow!

Am I stirred up? I guess not much. You see, I am a female Scrooge. Birthdays, Christmas and rainy days are all the same to me. Nothing really special but am looking forward for a warm hug from my Hon and warm smiles from my siblings and friends. Some find me weird or to a certain extent, evil (bless their soul) but my complexities and idiosyncrasies make me ME.

Different.

I mean, I am not afraid to be against the flow. I dare say, I am not your usual almost 23 year old popsy.You see, I am just a low maintenance kind of girl. I am so easy to please sometimes to a fault (that's my Mom talking). Growing up (or up until I was in high school),
my parents made sure that I didn't get what I didn't need and at that time, I really thought that was inquitable because I know they sure can afford. But as I grew older, I've learned that life is not about what you wear (although, you really cannot make me wear anything from ukay
ukay) but what is really important is what you feed your mind and soul. Don't get me wrong, I am about being pretty and neat too (go, ask my friends and siblings) but there's more to life than being just that.

Oh well, enough of my smart alecs whatever. Like any other normal people, I too have some birthday wish list - and here it goes:

1. That Philippines is no longer the world's super maids.
2. That we're no longer sending our doctors, teachers, nurses and even engineers abroad to work as maids.
3. That people abroad won't tag a pinoy as a liar, swindler and yes, maid.
4. That parents will start sending their kids to school and get a degree instead of making them audition, forget about school and be the next big star.
5. That people will start to realize that being stupid (or acting like one) is not cute, for crying out loud!
6. A new bag, new pair of flats and a good book.
7. And yes, world peace. Haha.

A Sicko In My String

DISCLAIMER: Pardon my french.

I hate surprises to the highest heavens. Call it "corny" or whatever but I always wanted to be prepared for whatever might happen. You see, I always have plan B and C just in case plan A won't work. I'd rather be prepared than left empty handed.

But then again - there are still things that are so way beyond my control. Like people lying to you, them lying and talking falsely about you. And the list can go on and on.

Segue:

Just some weeks ago, I found out that somebody in my string has been using my name to cloak all her outrageous and preternatural acts. Yes, preternatural because it is not freaking normal that you sleep with almost all the men (strangers at that) you meet. Now here's the catch - somebody dear to that sicko has been telling people within our string that I was the one who has been teaching this sicko to get dirty. No, I am not trying to be righteous here - I just hate the fact that they've been maligning my name for something that is so impossible for me to do. Impossible because I don't think I have the nerve to do that - I just simply have this high regard to my parents and siblings and I spend my time with work, studying and spending time with Elis period. If you put logic in such circumstance, it is just so impossible that I could meet up with her, talk and teach her to do and be dirty. Come on, can somebody do the Math for them?!

I just wish that sometimes people will start using their head and yes, there is a BIG difference between being excellent in school and trying to be excellent in life. It does not take a cum laude to know that!

I had to tell my parents about this - I just had to. People can call me "sumbungera" and all but at least - I am not a whore and to say it bluntly - nymphomaniac. Damn it.

And here's the catch, this sicko kind of confronted me through text - saying in sarcasm, "Salamat sa sumbong ha". I was half awake and half asleep when I got the text, so imagine my adrenaline rush when I got myself engaged into this argument through text. I told her that she has obviously lost my respect and to that she answered back by saying that she does not care if she loses my damn respect. Of course, she would not mind - she does not even respect her damn self, so why would I expect her to care about losing my respect. Gawd! For crying out loud - this sicko is not what people think/thought she is.

Sheesh.

Can somebody help me find a specialist who can cure her?

Again, pardon my french - you see, it takes a lot of effort to put me in my utmost Delilah mode. I can be the kindest and sweetest person you'll ever know but when you cut loose, I wouldn't mind giving you my Delilah side.

Wearing Blue and Proud

Unlike my Dad and brothers, I am not quite a basketball fan but I did cheer and pray for the Blue Eagles in the recently concluded UAAP 69th season.

Imagine me and how devastated I was when we lost to the Tigers.

It would have been nicer if Blue Eagles brought the trophy back to Loyola but maybe God said, not now.

I know that it is not easy to be on the losing end, I mean not being able to bring home the bacon but with how my fellow Ateneans played the game - I would still say, they gave their best shot. I remember what Norman Black said in one of his interviews - "It is about the desire to win". And I guess, it was UST's time to win. It was their first after centuries and I give them credit for having the growling heart to win the championship game.

I give my applause and thanks to the players of Blue Eagles - you have remained one that is worthy of the Greeks.

Let's not forget that “We stand on a hill between the earth and sky. Now all is still where Loyola’s colors fly. Our course is run and the setting sun ends Ateneo’s day. Eyes are dry at the last goodbye; this is the Ateneo way.Down from the hill, down to the world go I; rememb’ring still, how the bright Blue Eagles fly. Through joys and tears, through the laughing years, we sing our battle song: Win or lose, it’s the school we choose; this is the place where we belong!"

"To the Atenean, victory and defeat do not matter much. To cheer for a losing team that had fought fairly and well is as noble, if not nobler, than cheering for a victorious squad." - Art Borjal

This maybe such a difficult pill to swallow but we have to get going, we still have another battle to conquer - Final examination and all the deadlines to beat!

Let's continue living the Ateneo way!

Hope In A Heritage Of Smallness

By the time this missive is blazoned, the news about the stampede last Saturday has already reached even the banks of CNN and BBC. Not that I am vaunting about it - and I am pretty sure, for the love of this country, there is nothing to vaunt about a stampede for a noontime show!

The tragedy last Saturday is a melancholy that I keep getting these goosebumps while reading the newspapers and watching news about the incident. You see, there were like more than 70 people perished (mostly women aged 50 and above) and about hundreds were injured from the stampede at ULTRA. The "poor people" flocked to Ultra hoping to win a small part of the P 1.6 million in cash, house and lot, some vehicles to be raffled off during the anniversary show of "Wowowee" - a noontime show. To the "poverty stricken" such prizes are to die for, that this is their ONLY hope to set them free from the chains of poverty. It has been reported that people started arriving, packing ULTRA's grounds, as early as Tuesday or Wednesday and approximately around 50,000 people came to ULTRA with high hopes that they can win any luck.

But life has its own way of waking us up to face realities. The unexpected happened.

Aside from the given fact that there more than 70 people died and got hurt from the stampede, what is more tragic is that people started pinning their hopes in sheer luck.

Oh Well. Nick Joaquin was right when he said that we are "a heritage of smallness."

The ULTRA stampede was a reflection of a culture wherein the people are ill-disciplined, people always go for the easiest way possible and yeah, it is better to pin our hopes in a game show and luck for a better life rather than finding a job and really work hard. That incident made us realize that we are really such a poor country.

Now, everybody is pointing fingers and looking for somebody we can blame. It could be the organizers because it was like how can they not foresee such things when as early as Tuesday or Wednesday, people have started to arrive and line up; lack of security; It could be the people who risked their life pinning their hopes in luck and yes, it could be poverty and it could be the government - they could've just provided jobs for the "poor stricken" but instead some are swimming in such corruption and bribery.

It is not enough that they give out "my condolences" and some handouts. As one writer coined it, "The people need jobs, not handouts. They prefer to work for their food. So give them jobs, not handouts, and they would be more grateful. Handouts fill hungry stomachs temporarily, but they strip people of their self-respect. Handouts introduce people to a culture of mendicancy. In time, people would get so used to them, they would rather beg than work for a living."

Sad reality but it should not stop from the whining, complaining and begging for freebies. Come on, there is no dignity in waiting for freebies! Well, what can I say, it takes a lot of effort to think - that could be the reason why we opt not to think and settle for temporary solutions.

Much has been said - we still have to work on this and continue digging deep. For as long as there is hope and there are still souls who work hard not for his own benefit but for the benefit of others - I know in no time, the Philippines will shine so bright.

Love Actually

Unlike my Dad, my 2 brothers and my beau, I am never a basketball fan. I never understand why they'd run back and forth with that ball. I just don't get it or maybe because I am more for individual sports - I play badminton (singles), I swim and do Kayaking. You see these sports that I mentioned do not require much teamwork compared to say, basketball which I believe you have to deal with the rest of the team.

Segue:
Sunday night. Before my brother Gello went to his room to sleep, he asked me to watch Game 5 for him because he'll be in school and of course, he won't be able to watch the game. As he coined it, "Ate, Ikaw yung eyes ko kunyari ha. Watch ka ng NBA and cheer ka for Miami Heat ha? Promise?" (Ate, you'll serve as my eyes. Watch NBA and cheer for Miami Heat ha? Promise?). My gawd! In my mind, I was like "What?! Why do I have to wake up early just to watch that game and to cheer for Miami Heat?! For crying out loud, its my off!" But all I could say was, "Ok. I'll watch it."

The next morning, my mobile was ringing and yes, it was Gello calling me from school. When I answered it he was like, "Ate, wake up ka na. Go watch NBA na! Dali!" (Ate, wake up! Go watch NBA! Fast!) And I said, "Saan ka? Diba, you have school today?" (Where are you? Don't you have school today?) And to that he answered me back, "Nasa school ako, recess namin. Dali watch ka na ng NBA, Ate. Baka maconfiscate ng teacher ko yung cellphone ko." (I am in school, it is our break. I am afraid that my teacher might confiscate my cellphone.) When I heard that, I was alarmed and all I could say again was, "Okay, I'll put the phone down na. Baka maconfiscate phone mo, lagot ka kay Mommy. Nood na ko ng NBA." (Okay, I'll put the phone down. Mom will surely get mad at you if she found out that your phone has been confiscated. I'll watch NBA now.) I heard him shell out a big sound of relief and he said, "Thank you! Bye na. Love you!" and then click, he hung up.

The next few minutes, I caught myself cheering for Miami Heat. I felt the intensity of the game and in the last few seconds, I was really praying that Wade makes those free throws. He did and I was very happy. And then I am hooked. I watched Game 6 - even if I am at work. And yes, I am the happiest SA, all because my brother's favorite team won the championship.

At the end of the day, I realized that I can love this much. I am amazed at how a 10 year old kid could easily persuade me to watch two basketball games from start to finish. My Mom said "Its love, actually."

PS.
Did I say that my brother gave me flowers (fresh from Mom's "garden") this morning with a note saying, "You're the best Ate!"?

Mom

Long before you and Dad rewarded me my first ever cellphone, you've always wanted to have a good communication relationship with your kids.

Our home is a fantastic environment wherein almost everything are being talked about (minus the taboo, of course) and the most amazing part of it is that you allow your kids to be the person that we are meant to be. In many incidents that I hear a friend or two talking about how their parents never seem to understand what they're going through or that their parents are always getting into their nerves or that their parents meddle with their own affairs or that their parents read their diary and private letters, I cannot help but feel so damned blessed to have such wonderful parents like you.

Everytime we have conflicts at home and before you decide that I should be grounded for weeks - you talk to me first, listen to my woes and tell me that I should be learning from every mistake that I make. You taught me what being responsible is all about.

Although, you and Dad are such good providers, you never give in to our every whims and wants. I remember when I was in 2nd grade and I want that knapsack bag with a clock on it so badly that I always cry to Dad just for him to buy me one and you were so decided not to buy me one just yet. You said that I should get very good grades first before I can have that bag. I worked like hell everyday just to make sure that I get very good grades and when the day of distribution of cards came, I was the proudest when I got no grades below 85. I phoned you and was I the happiest 7 year old alive when that night I got my yellow bag and a pencil case with push buttons!

From that day on, I never do things half-heartedly because I know all my efforts will be rewarded.

It was also at home when I learned that respect is gained. Macky and I were fighting because I played with his matchbox without asking permission. Oh boy! That was such a disaster. Nana Pacing even had to bring out Dad's belt and threatened that she will spank us using that. When you got home, you immediately talked to the both of us and told me that for my younger siblings to respect me, I should be respectable; that if I want to be honored, I should be honorable.

Do you also remember that day when I asked you why don't I have the same skin color as you do? I cried so hard but you consoled me by saying, I don't have to have a white complexion to be pretty. I don't even have to invest on my physical appearance because at the end of the day, what matters is that I have a good heart and I feed my mind and be smart. And so, I grew up investing in my soul and not in my mere physical appearance. You said that the day will come when one will grow old and all that is beautiful today will fade tomorrow.

Mom, everybody knows that I was, still am and will always be Daddy's little girl but may you always know that I am more than honored and blessed to have such a wonderful and loving mother like you. Do you remember the nights when I'd sleep in your room, I'd drink my milk and you your tea and then we'll just talk all night and then I'd always cry? Wow, Ma! These are my treasures. I know we're never the Mom and daughter tandem but there is always something about you being my Mom that makes me the bravest as I face the everyday challenges.

Thank you for everything, Ma.

You're well loved!

Happy Birthday!

Missing and Accepting

Tomorrow is gonna be a big day for me and my family. Tata's body will be interred and I am not quite sure how are we gonna be handling his loss. You know, life without him.

Just this afternoon, me, my siblings and my cousins were talking about Tata. His antics, how serious he was about us finishing school, how happy and proud he was when the "first batch" of his nieces and nephews marched for graduation, how angry he was when we used to kid him about his hair loss, how OC he was, how he loved us, his laugh, the way he smiles and the list goes on. And you bet, there were sobs in between those stories. We already miss him.

Dad comforted us, his kids by saying that "at least now, Tata's suffering is finally over and that he's now free from all the worldly pains." I hugged Dad and cried like a kid on his chest. I know this is very difficult for him too but I trust in the Lord and His plans are for the good.


Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalm 33:11

See You, Later, Ok?

Yesterday afternoon, Tata Rubeng - my Dad's older brother, passed away.

I was not beside him when he breathe his last.

When I paid him a visit last Saturday when he was still confined in the hospital, I wailed like a kid when I saw him. I never imagined seeing him that weak. He was always the courageous man and will do anything for his family especially for his nieces and nephews. You see, although he is married, he never had a kid of his own.

That afternoon, I cannot help but cry because he was so weak that he can hardly talk. He does not eat much and could not sleep well. My cousins and I were praying for God's guidance and it was that afternoon when we all surrendered Tata to God - His will be done. Nanay (Dad's Mom) asked us, her grandkids, to never stop praying for Tata. We never stopped.

Tata was released from the hospital Tuesday morning. He was the happiest, he said,"Ayaw ko mamatay sa hospital". (I don't want to die in the hospital). He fought hard because, "Gusto ko makita lahat ng pamangkin ko na masaya at stable na, pwde ng pakawalan". (I want to see all my nieces and nephews happy and stable, that they can stand on their own).

Tata was fighting hard for his life until yesterday afternoon, when God said that its time for him to go home. Maybe God could not stand seeing him in great pain.

Yes, the whole family is grieving for we lost Tata but we also celebrate his life. He was not perfect but he was one of the best Tito/Uncle that we can possibly have. When our Dads were not around, me, my siblings and my cousins, looked up to him as our second Dad. He took good care of us as if we are his own.

As my fingers tap the keyboard, my tears fall involuntarily too. I am sad that I won't be seeing Tata in my future anymore. Maybe, I will - in the lifetime after this.


"It's never an easy thing, saying goodbye to a brother firefighter, it's not. And this time, particularly is difficult for me because I watched Jack grow into a, well, into one of the finest firefighters I've ever known. He joined this department because he wanted to help people, who knows how many homes are still standing because Jack was there or how many lives were spared. He gave his life for that cause. We'll never forget you Jack. And we're better for having known you. But I make you this one promise, tomorrow when that bell rings, we will be back on the truck, because you were the bravest of the brave. People are always asking me, how is it that firefighters run into a burning building when everyone else is running out? Well, Jack, you answered that question by saving another man's life. Your courage is the answer. And today we will be as brave as you, by not mourning you, but by celebrating your life. So I'd like everyone to stand up and celebrate the life of Jack Morrison. "
- Chief Kennedy, Ladders 49 - Tata's favorite film.

Rain, Rain Go Away

Can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when i was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by an invisible man
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything all right
Still I can't close my eyes
i'm seeing a tunnel at the end of the lights

Boy No More

Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry
if I thought that it would change your mind
but I know that this time
I've said too much
been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
cover it all up with lies
I try and
laugh about it
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
and beg forgiveness
plead with you
but I know that
it's too late
and now there's nothing I can do

so I try to laugh about it
cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
that I loved you
if I thought that you would stay
but I know that it's no use
that you've already
gone away

Misjudged your limits
pushed you too far
took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
to get you back by my side
but I just
keep on laughing
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
boys don't cry
boys don't cry

******

I grew up having boys as my friends - Maikel,Briann, Adriel and Cirian. They were, are and will forever be MY BEST BOY FRIENDS! I have become the makulit, sometimes yakky, epal, maingay girl that i am right now because of them. And this song is like our FRIENDSHIP SONG - BOYS DON'T CRY by the cure. note it was and still is our song since they thought (i thought, too!) i am ONE of the boys.

I have my own share of them-always-getting-into-my-nerve. I have my own share of crying moments kasi sobrang iniinis nila ako.

But having them around made me feel really blessed. they made me feel well protected and guarded. with them around, I am really well taken good care of minus of course their kakulitan and all.

Long before TGIS has their group hug, we already have that since I was like around 8 or 9 years old.

I feel so damn good everytime I hear them still call me kuting. feels like home.

I know that we all have our own "grown up" lives na. Ciriann is already in the US and sobrang mayaman na, Adriel also in the US juggling work and school, Briann is now a law student, Maikel is already UP THERE, enjoying perfection and me... nah! crazy, pretty me!

I remember when i'd always cry to them because natalo ako sa pog and sa text and they'd sing boys don't cry to me and then after wards i'll stop crying na. not because I thought I was a boy and that I shouldn't cry but because hearing them sing this song made me feel ok.

Haay, I miss the good 'ol days.

I Think, Therefore, I Am

I always wanted to be different - I think, I should give my parents credit for that. There's this certain passion or fire within me when I do things but then sometimes, I got screwed when the loonies get the wits out of me. I can be crazy sometimes but thanks to my earthly angels who had been faithful through sun and storm and their presence is far more worthy than any thing that can be bought in any market in the world.

I've learned much from life, from my own mishaps, from my loving mom, souls from the past; I would like to think that I have been early awakened and made observant by the many hurdles that life has to throw on me.

I love having hearty, sensible talks with friends and enemies alike. I shall always look back on that time of mental awakening as one of the happiest in my life. I like meeting new people or even old ones and when they introduce me to the world of ideas; when one enters that world everything else fades for a time and all that went before is as if it had not been. yet I found curious survivals; some of the figures of my old life seemed to be waiting for me in the new.

I, too love kids. They have an innocent enthusiasm that inspires me. They remind me of the way I used to be: carefree, worry free and unconcerned about failures. I can spend the whole day just playing, talking and listening to whatever they say. They can be kulit and all but their intelligent-epal responses are superb! Did I tell you, they're the reason why I am in school again and taking up a different course after IT - that 4 long excruciating years at PLM?

I've been betrayed, deceived, insulted, misjudged and I know that sometimes I am completely hidden by the clouds but I will emerge black and shining because HE is with me.