Forgetful

“I feel the curse of the old: to witness again the same sorry history, all the costly lessons forgotten, mistakes repeated as if they never were.”
- Myette Tabada

“We have very little collective memory of the past.

We tend to live in a perpetual present … and get by on feeling,

without a national memory and historical perspective.”
- Fr. Nebres

“In this country, it seems everything is infinitely”

“Truth frequently becomes whatever pleases the powers that be…

The struggle against forgetting is never ending…

The impulses towards tyranny and forgetting are never ending.”
- Alran Bengzon

“All of us must remember … and open our hearts to human memory”

“I do not want my past to become the future … of our children’s generation.”
- Elie Weisel

Then Laugh

Build for yourself a strong box,
fashion each part with care;
When it’s strong as your hand can make it,
put all your troubles there;

Hide there all thought of your failures;
and each bitter cup that you quaff;
Lock all your heartaches within it,
Then sit on the lid and laugh.

Tell no one else its contents,
Never its secrets share;
When you’ve dropped in your care and worry
keep them forever there;

Hide them from sight so completely
That the world will never dream half;
Fasten the strongbox securely—
Then sit on the lid and laugh.

- Bertha Adams Backus

Again

"And now I cry in the middle of the night ,
for the same damn thing."

Card from Ohio

Today, I am a super happy recipient of one of the prettiest cards I've ever seen and it came from a friend now based in Ohio. I am deeply touched by such thoughtfulness that I cried (yes, there goes my tears again).

Dear Kat,

I know you hate surprises but I am positive you'll smile after reading this.

Sorry for being out of the circulation the past months (or years) but don't worry, I got all your contact details already. Promise, we'll be in touch.

How are you? Write me back, yeah?

Miss you and your hilarious antics,
Mands

***

I am seriously surrounded by such wonderful people - even if they're continents away from me! Really, if God takes something away, He gives you something too.

And to that, I am VERY grateful!

Tick's Katsky

Spending time with my favorite cousin, Patrick (whom I lovingly endear as Tick) is something I devour. Talking to him is like connecting to my old self – when I was his age and he reminds me not to always take life that seriously.

One lazy and very hot morning, he dropped by our house to boast his school ID card. He said that it was his best photo taken so far. When asked why, he just shrugged his shoulders and flashed his signature smile – showing off his dimpled cheeks. What a show off, that boy! Haha.

I asked him how was school. He said that it was “boring” and they were asked to do a lot things meant for girls only. “Like what?” I asked. He said, dancing is “strictly for girls only” and that it was “yucky!”

I laughed, naturally. Coming from a boy who actually loves to sing and dance when he’s with family.

He threw so many questions to my face – like why do I always wear a pair of glasses, why do I like to be called Kat, is it difficult to be an Ate (older sister), why do I store so many numbers in my mobile, why do I look like my Dad but sometimes I look like Mom and the list goes on.

After answering all his questions to the best of my ability (and in such a way that his 6 year old mind could comprehend), he said that my nickname is “panget” (ugly). And to that, he declared that my new name should be Katsky.

He promised me that he would make a “contract” bearing my new name, to be signed by him and myself.

Just like that.

One of the many things I learn (always the hard way) from Tick is that you write your own life’s story – that while challenges remain constant, how we react towards such atrocity determines the ending of our chapters. And that most of the time, we just complicate things.

People may not always mean me well (including those I trust with my life) but I owe it to myself to refrain from punishing myself (like excessive crying).

Like Tick, I will live my life the way it should be lived. My life’s definition does not depend on the man I am with but with who I really am; not with how many buckets of tears have been shed but with how many times I have been saved; not with the bruises I've suffered but with how I've endured and become stronger.

Sad Lines

“Everywhere I looked was the sight of mist descending,
of things fading away into nothing,
and I panicked at the thought that I would never be found.”

- Socorro Villanueva, "Foggy Makes Me Sad"

Angered

The mind wanders

Thinking
Screaming

Demanding for answers

Talking to self
Writing
Loathing

Refusing to be just an activity

Heart wrapped in rage
Bruised
Battered

Wishing you never happened

Asking

Are you pleased with what you've done?
With the damage you've caused?
Do you even have a grasp why she even cried?
Why she was deeply hurt?

Uncertainty

Uncertainty is killing me

And I'm certainly not asleep

Maybe I've gone far too deep

Maybe I'm just far too weak.

And that's the last place

I want to be the last place

And there is so much we dont know.

So we love and we hope that it holds

Thousands were lost and maybe more

The question remains, "What is this for?"

Maybe it came unexpected

Maybe I'm left unprotected

And that's the last place

I want to be the last place

And there is so much we dont know

So we love and we hope that it holds

And either we say or we show

So I'm going to fight for my own

I'm holding on until the last

I'm holding on until there's nothing left

I'm holding on until the last

I'm holding on until there's nothing left

-The Fray

Sob Story

"This is the story of a girl,

who cried a river and drowned the whole world..."

For almost 2 weeks now, Luna has been in a cat fight with her beau almost every other day – tiring and yes, too draining drama. He could not understand why she was always upset about certain timetables and she feels neglected.

When heads are finally cleared and no more angst to parade, Luna decided to throw a surprise breakfast date with her man – simply put, make peace with him. She already reserved the place, chose the food, date (Saturday), the dress she’s going to wear and even prepared the line she’s supposed to say in case her beau would ask her why she’s inviting him out on a Saturday morning.

Pleased with the surprise breakfast date she organized in less than 24 hours, Luna sent her beau an SMS confirming his schedule on Saturday. The reply was “I’m still in the bank. Call you once I am done”, or something to that effect. Excitedly, she waited for the phone call.

What happened next is something she was not prepared for.

Her beau told her that he was tapped (and agreed) to conduct training of some sort – slated the whole day for the weekends. In short, he’s not available for the breakfast date.

Naturally, she was really broken hearted and shed tears worthy of the Greeks.

When pressed why he accepted the training stint, he said that he “took the job because we fought. That was my way of coping. I work.” At this point, Luna was already burning with so many wrath – to the man who once told her that she will be chosen over everything and to that darn playful twist of fate.

But mostly, she was really mad at herself. For even bothering to plan for such a now ridiculous breakfast date. For trying to make up. For not using her head. For not following her instincts.

It was all very wrong, she thought.

She wonders out loud - when will the heartaches ever go away?

Or maybe, stop asking questions and don't give out answers. EVER.

"How many days in a year?

She woke up with hope but she only found tears."

Third Person Ride

"The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in

Maybe I should hold with care

But my hands are busy in the air saying..."

Someone really close to my heart just recently vented out all sorts of emotions she has been tackling for the past weeks – ranging from angst to sheer “animated” happiness. Every word that comes out of her mouth were daring, blunt and sometimes, just blah. She told me with so much gusto her recent battles and little triumphs.

Luna (not her real name) has always been known for her crazy storytelling antics and so, it was delighting and at the same time, saddening to see her go through such roller coaster rides.

Most people who don’t know her from Adam usually tend to come up with words like “fragile” and “a cry baby” in describing her but they don’t know the knots she has untangled and how she has always managed to squeeze her way out of whatever life has thrown at her without sacrificing integrity. She’s always the kind of person who is a softie and toughie at the same time.

In between sobs and watery eyes, I noticed how she would always crack a joke or two and be her usual makulit self. She amazed me in ways I could not fathom.

Luna, despite those “little successes” tucked under her belt, has managed to keep a very low profile persona. She has always been the same girl I know who never liked themed parks and would always shun the limelight.

Long after the conversation ended, after the tears have been dried up and after all the laughter in between sobs, I could not help but think that life indeed is a roller coaster ride. There are the ups and downs – and all the screaming in between!

Come to think of it, when life throws something huge and almost unbearable – with all the heartaches and tears shed unabashedly, we are left with nothing much to choose from. In the end, we just endure and throw our highest hopes that such life’s riddle will help us become better.

It is only now that I realized why Luna never liked themed parks - she already has her own roller coaster ride and most of the time her hands are busy in the air.

NAIA Prayer

"For You know better than I  
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For You know better than I"

Singing at 315am

Take My Life
by Chris Tomlin


Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee.
Take my moments and my days,
Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love.
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and beautiful for Thee.

Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold
Not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect and use
Every power as You choose.

Here am I, all of me.
Take my life, it's all for Thee.

Take my will and make it Thine
It shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart it is Thine own
It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord I pour
At Your feet it's treasure store
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.
Take myself and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee.

Free Me

Here we go again -

From almost a full year of "freedom"
Something pulls me back -
To that "scary" and "dangerous" side again.

I wish it'll just go away
And render me this
Much deserved "freedom".

Lord, please be with me.

Man from Manila

For most of us who grew up (born 1983) dancing and singing Mga Kababayan Ko, the passing of Francis Magalona struck me like what an iced cold drink does to my brain.

I froze and very saddened by such a loss.

I didn't know FrancisM personally but the message he conveyed through his music has taught me very early in life to love and be proud of permanently wearing Kayumanggi and being a Pinoy.

Much has been about this "Man from Manila" and I truly consider myself a fan - my brother, Macky can vouch for that. Growing up, we both have listened to FrancisM's songs and I've always tried (and managed) to keep up with such fast paced songs.

And it was through his music that I've come across the word praning which is a Filipino slang for paranoid. From where I grew up, I never heard my folks say "praning",so when I found out what that word meant, such became a household term for me.

"Mga praning, mga praning, mga praningning
Laging gising, laging gising, laging gisingsing"

And who couldn't ever go crazy over that face of his! He still has one of the freshest faces ever, like he never seemed to have grown old. Super babyface pa din.

It is indeed very saddening to have lost another great Filipino talent but I am confident that he is in a much better place now - where is perfectly fit and no longer feels any tinge of pain. For all we know, he could just be talking photos of his wonderful family.

I am very proud to be of the same race as Francis Magalona.

*photo courtesy of Happy Battle

Here Comes the Sun

Just when you thought this all too draining drama won't ever end, the sun comes out and you don't remember where and why all the crying and questioning even started.

You bounce back and emerge a victor. Everything becomes all right.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

Questions

Do you know why she cries?
Do you even really listen to her when she pours out to you?
When there's nobody there?
Do you really care?
Or is it just some illusions created by intelligent minds?

Lord, please help her.

Just Hush

To hush,
Murmur in silence.
Suppressed feelings.
Such emotions.

Deafening silence.
Words would not come out.
Just tears -
Overflowing effing tears!

Shout outs -
Screaming at this time.
But nobody is out there.
NO ONE.


Just hush.

Being an Ate

This piece was inspired after hearing 2 respectable personalities talk about their first loves. No, boring as it may sound but the talk was not really about their first love as in of the opposite sex - it was about their chosen career paths and how they love every bits of such.

One speaker shared her passion for Statistics, while the other spoke of her great love for teaching the English language.

Truth be told, I was not really there. Notice the word hearing instead of listening in the 1st paragraph. Yes, I was physically there but my mind was elsewhere. I was trying to overcome "being neglected" and "certain guilt".

While in the verge of shedding buckets of tears and non stop bleeping of my mobile, I ended up drafting this - with high hopes that my negative energy at the time will morph to something positive.


***

In between so many things I truly love doing, being an Ate (older sister) definitely tops everything in my current list. It is an inexplicable feeling ranging from utmost love to certain amount of disappointments. From petty fights to sheer happiness.

Being an Ate calls for a deeper sense of responsibility - whether I like it or not, I am a role model. I did not ask for it; It was actually given the moment my folks decided they want more kids.

In this society's smallest unit called Family, I take full responsibility when my parents could not - although such circumstance does not happen often. In fact, my wonderful parents are very able, something I am always grateful for.

Take for instance when my folks had to leave, I take charge of the household - ensure that my siblings have something healthy to eat, check their school works, help them with their assignments and the likes.

Sometimes, being an Ate is tough as it requires for more than just an A+ grade in school, not to mention you always have a life to attend to. It takes an unselfish act of love to be able to fair well in such a huge task.

One of the important things I've learned from this handed down job is that, I strive to always become a better individual not solely for myself but so my siblings will benefit from it. This does not always pertain to tangible materials, it could also be about the kind of life you live. Again, an Ate is a role model. Younger ones actually mimic you and observes the life that you have.

Over the years and while studying the lives of those who went before me, there is nothing like a legacy that can be passed on when it all started with love.