Good Riddance

Just very recently, an ex-could have been sent me an email, asking how things are working for me - and he's asking me out on a date. Yes, through email!

How so informal?!

I am glad to know that all is well for him - he's now a lawyer (he always wanted to be one). And it was so nice to know that he's sorry for all the things he did and never did for me. We were almost there. He almost got me, but not quite.

Although we were never an item (almost, I suppose), this boy made me shed a bucket of tears back in college.

Now, he's asking me out?! What the hell is that for? A fancy dinner will never compensate the tears of years ago!

Kidding.

Although he was considered as one of the "knight in shining armor" back in those days when I knew nothing much about life and I trusted too much, I always have this inkling that we're never for each other.

That was years ago. I have changed as he has.

While it took me some crying days to finally get back to my senses again, I have forgiven him long before he even realized that he's already forgiven. In fact, I have forgotten everything about him. I had to text a friend to remind me of this boy.

Now that I am reminded, it'll be hard for me to trust him again. To forget is harder for me than to forgive. I'd say, he's one lucky guy that he's no longer part of my memory bank. But you see, I cannot just trust him. Trust is not something you just acquire overnight; you need to work hard to regain it. But in this case, I don't think I'd like to broaden my horizon.

Thanks but no thanks.


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..."
Genesis 50:20

Some Days

Some days
Are spent into greatness;
Some into almost nothingness;
But never mediocre ones, I suppose.

Some days
Are spent with guilty pleasures;
My intensed curiosity - allured;
But never dull, I guess.

Some days
Are spent with "den of thieves";
Days that costume my almost everything else;
But I swear, I'm trying to get away from these!

Some days
Are spent with a lullaby - plugged in my ears;
Its hymn - refrains my soul from turning gray;
But some anthems make me want to go astray.

Some days
I wish I could be somewhere in French Polynesia;
And try to be away from my beloved Asia;
But with my current state, I'm happy just being anywhere here in Metro Manila.

To Dreamland and Back

For some reason, I always wake up really early on weekends but I would lovingly delay my waking hours on weekdays - yes, when I've to report for work.

Weird as it may seem but I have lovingly embraced this side of me. As they would say, "love your own".

Segue:

The moment I "felt" that its 6 in the morning already, my whole self will just emerge from a deep slumber. I started with my ritual - pray and then I caught myself channel surfing, looking for something worthy for my 300+ graded eyes.

I got tired. I've decided to stick with the good 'ol MTV.

I met my beau while he was in his "just-got-out-of-bed" look. I still love the man. And nothing beats having breakfast with him - always, always something I look forward to. Maybe in God's time, I'll prepare him a breakfast for every waking hour for the rest of our lives. Who knows.

We headed to celebrate Sunday service in Greenbelt and had pasta for lunch afterwards.

Late in the afternoon, we've decided to check out the latest in Ayala Museum. It was our third time to "tour" the museum and I love every moment that we're there. A glimpse of Legaspi's Daster paintings gave me a certain joy. Different colors, shapes - they're all dasters.

Chinese stuff was there for us to see - ceramics, wares and some paintings.

We've seen some of Juan Luna's and Fernando Amorsolo's works - masterpieces, I dare say! I've seen their works several times centuries ago, my several trips with my teachers made it possible but I was not as "equipped" as I am now. In short, I am just older now.

By the time we're done roaming around the museum, I was already dead tired. The yearning for my body to lay on my precious bed was more than I could bear.

Ha! Before I knew it, I was already back in dreamland.

Delilah Moments

Crying
Thumping
Being Quiet
Non stop writing
Staying awake until its almost time to wake up again.

Hiding
Draining
Turning red
Thinking so hard
Never wanting to talk again.

Woes
Alter ego
Keeping secrets
Yearning to be alone for awhile
Locking myself inside for long hours.

Dark
Wearing black
Dreaming of the light
Hoping for a broad daylight
Driving fast - back to the right lane.

Sudden Rush

The past is a disaster
And the future is coming faster now.

What do you say -
Let's go and get a beer.

Samson

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
He ate a slice of wonder bread
And went right back to bed
And history books forgot about us
And the Bible didn't mention us
Not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
But they're just old light, they're just old light
Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed
Told me that my hair was red
Told me I was beautiful
And came into my bed
Oh I cut his hair myself one night
A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light
And he told me that I'd done alright
And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light
And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

Samson went back to bed
Not much hair left on his head
Ate a slice of wonder bread
And went right back to bed
Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down
Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one
And history books forgot about us
And the Bible didn't mention us
Not even once

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first

Spare Me

You caught me off guard;
You hit me hard.
I can almost bleed;
I wonder - do you even know what you just did?

Tears almost well up my eyes;
Stop hurting me like this!
Listen to my plea;
I'm dying to be free.

I could curse you now;
You cannot make me take a bow.
I still have things to do, you know.
Oh please, headache - why can't you just leave me now?!

Temporary Madness

I am Katrina and I am bored.

For how long must I stay in this unknown soil, I often ask.
I've been sitting for awhile now - if only I could bask.
I look at myself in the mirror,
I cannot find a certain glee in my face anymore.

Boredom wraps me;
I tell you, it gets the wits out of me.
I cannot wait to be free.
I am losing grip - lift me!

Everything is too familiar;
Yet I am scared to be afar.
My pathetic conclusion - I've lost the fire;
I even think, I have lost my flair!

Ahhh! Midlife crisis.
My wild guess - temporary madness.
And like everything else,
I trust that this too will leave me in a piece.

Moved

"This is great punctuation for the end of a long sentence, and I mean a really good sentence, and it's really well worth the wait and it's a glorious finish to the journey of a lifetime."

Lost in Craving

Lost and cold.

Where was I?
- While you were here.

I crave your comfort.
Let's just say that I built us a home - a space to breathe together.
Would I you live inside it?
Or would your mind travel great distances for a greater satisfaction?

Pretend with me
.... just once?

Apathy Is

Its true -

The opposite of love is not hate;
Apathy is.

Note this -

You'd rather want me hating you;
Than hearing me say, "I don't care."

Cheers to Mom

Almost every year, I always try to write something about my Mom and let the world know how grateful I am to be her daughter despite our obvious differences - from our skin tone to her being such a geek not that I am slow, she's just a lot smarter than me.

I have kept a gazillion of handwritten letters for Mom, most of which I never intend to give. One can definitely say, we are not quite the usual Mother and Daughter tandems but the unspeakable would attest that our love for each other could move mountains, yeah - like a prayer.

It is impossible for me to hold on to the values I keep now without her being my Mom. Even if we have these "petty" misunderstandings, I give her credit for everything she lovingly taught my wonderful siblings and me.

She made me realize in such a young age that life is not easy - never will. That aside from change, pain is also constant.

I would always hear her say the dreaded "you cannot have it all" every time I would ask for so many things in one shopping. She knew that its not healthy to give in to all her daughter's whims. Because of her, I have learned to be contented with whatever I have or was given - although, there are times that the stubborn me would resurface and ask err demand for more.

She demands us (her kids) to always get serious in school - and I tell you, she demands well. I loved how she smiled at me as I walk up the stage and get my college diploma. I knew in my heart, she was (and still is) proud of me.

When I need her opinion on certain things, she never hesitated in giving me one. Her world will stop just so she can be in mine. I remember when I was a kid, she had me memorize all her office numbers just so I can call her anytime I wanted to. I knew then that I was (and still am) important to her.

She never spanked me - ever. She has her own unique way of making us do what's right. There was this incident that I must have hurt her so much that she refused to talk to me. I could not stand that and I tearfully asked for her forgiveness - she forgave me and left me with strong words like, " I am forgiving you not because you deserve it but because it right."

But above all the things I've mentioned (and list goes on), one thing I cannot forget about my Mom is that she made me love myself. We live in a country where girls are considered pretty only when you're fair skinned - even if the whole world knows that you're not. She discouraged me to buy beauty magazines, never bought whitening stuff for me and made me listen to TLC's Unpretty. She would always say that "its useless to invest on your physical appearance because that will not last, instead feed your mind and soul, then you'll be fine."

Me and my siblings know that we are blessed to have such a Mom like her - who loves us more than herself, who never talked down on people, who never judged a person by mere appearance, who loves Economics and stocks and who always demands greatness from her kids.

I raise a glass of wine for that one woman who lovingly equipped me and my siblings with all there is, as we all face the world outside our home.

Am I Happy?

"I am not happy!"

An office mate's famous words (at least for me). For whatever reason why she's not happy, we cannot tell.

Hearing her complain like that sounds alarming to me, gave me enough reason to check myself and current state. At 23, I have had my own share of troubles not quite pretty normal for people my age (or at least those that I know). Closest friends can testify that I am indeed a drama queen. I can parade all my rants but I am choosing not to - bottom line is, I have become a better person because of all the troubles I went through. Whether I am bound to be someone great or not, I will not use my troubles as an excuse for me not to strive to be better.

Over the years, I have learned to accept the fact that things will never work the way I want them to. I mean, no matter how hard I plan for things to be right, at some point they turn left.

I am not perfect and I no longer expect others to be move the world for me - this is a bitter pill to swallow for me but somehow, my old and can be harsh but well meaning few friends made me realize that I cannot be an idealist with certain illusions in my head. I have toned down.

I still aim for the stars, if that fails - I can still reach for the clouds.

I may not have everything (who has everything anyway?), but I am happy with where I am now. Life is not just about being happy, I believe it is about being great and making sacrifices not for us but for the next.

Am I happy? I asked myself over and over as I picture the faces of my little students and those I love. Imagine the silly grin on my face when I heard myself almost murmuring, "yes, I am."

Prayer

Dear Lord,

I thank you for this day.
I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning.
I'm blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.
You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.
Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to you.
I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.
Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.
Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.
Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.
Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

Let me continue to see sin through God's eyes and acknowledge it as evil. And when I sin, let me repent, and confess with my mouth my wrongdoing, and receive the forgiveness of God.
And when this world closes in on me, let me remember Jesus' example - to slip away and find a quiet place to pray. It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will.
Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.
Keep me strong that I may help the weak.
Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way.
I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood.
I pray for those who don't know You intimately.
I pray for those who will delete this without sharing it with others.
I pray for those who don't believe. I thank you that I believe.
I believe that God changes people and God changes things.
I pray for all my sisters and brothers, for each and every family member in their households.
I pray for peace, love, and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.
I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees them and every mouth that confesses them willingly.

This is my prayer in Jesus' mighty name. Amen.

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Words Well Kept

I yearn to feel the comfort of knowing that tomorrow, as we both wake up and the world suddenly becomes silent, the thought of breaking our vows would simply never exist for us.

Of making Him as our sole center, we embrace that all His answers - in whatever form, is always for the good.

If words were stolen from lips for aeons, we would still have that familiar foundation we lovingly and painstakingly built over the years. Such silly words - they scrambled together at the back of our minds to complete such a moment.

To lay side by side, gazing eye to eye without murmurs, not even a single whisper - yet, somehow we still understand one another. 4 years and a month, we have learned a lot from each other. The times spent to teach ourselves, learn each other, study our feelings, memorize our actions - we have grown to know each other by heart.

Affair and Answer

May 5th was a date to bethink for both Banong and Momot (now Arenas) as they exchange their wedding vows on the said date.

Segue: My beau and I got to the church around 3:10 pm (I guess, pretty early for a 3:30 ceremony which by the way started almost 4). I saw Banong and kissed him on his cheek (beso is apt). I saw in his face an admixture of emotions - ranging from excitement, fidgetiness and of course, joyous.

I am glad I saw the latter.

Momot was radiantly beautiful in her bridal gown. I knew in my heart, this is definitely her day.

A celebration like this will never be complete without the rest of the league, KAKA. In attendance were Edward, Gary, Normand, Jojit, Levi, Jere and Sherbet, Alvin and Tin, Elisier and moi. Bluntly I dare say, it was a blast. One could definitely say that this is a gathering of KAKA - all those silly laughter, comments and stories - wacky and serious ones.

Things will never be the same for me after I "picked" the "wrong" flower. Yes, I was the "catcher" or as other would say, "next in line". It was a first for me to ever participate in such wedding "games". My old and closest friends can testify that I dreaded weddings but I have changed (but this is a different story). My beau got the other flower - for obvious reasons.

I lost myself that evening.

I shed a tear or two as I watch Momot and her Dad danced. It was a sight to behold. I remember my Dad telling me when I was a lot younger that he (might) dreads the day that he will "give" me away to "some" man. After all, I am and will always be his girl.

But I have grown.

I still get afraid, cries a lot and still have gazillion of things to learn from life (which includes accepting the fact that not everybody is good) but time will come that I have to spread my wings and be the person that I am meant to be. And I never stopped seeking and praying for His approval.

Ha! I got my answers that night and the morning after.