Dismantle

Letting go of everything that surrounds me
Just sitting in the silence
Completely numb
No worries, fears or pains
Floating above it all
Flashes of memories come
Reminding me of the past
Showing the person that I was
And who I chose to become
Wondering about the future
And who I will be then
Interested where my life will be
Will I be pleased with the choices that I made
And the path of which I have traveled?

Downcast

Sometimes it blew me off everytime people would say I am good when I am talking in front or when I teach or when I sing or ask me if I don't get chilly when I am in front - what they didn't know is that I have been harboring such insecurity for almost 4 years now. That behind the confident and cosmo look is a crying, insecure soul. You see, I have been betrayed a lot of times, I have seen and heard loved ones lie about/to me and I swear, I have never been this afraid in my entire life! That should conclude why I am such an insecure soul. =(

I hate watching my back almost all the time - it tires my soul so much, I hate being afraid that one day I will found out that somebody in my strings just lied about/to me, I hate checking my email handles only to found out, I just received several hate email messages from people I don't even know (most of them are people who likes my beau - yeah, his students and those I am not supposed to mention), I hate figuring out how on earth did they find out what my handles are (you see, I have changed handles several times - more than you could ever imagine, all because I was trying to runaway from such creatures), I hate being watched (I had this stalker in the past and I swear he scared the wits out of me. READ: Paranoid) and I hate secrets (people with secret lives refuse to be helped) - most especially when everybody knows something but me. Oh man! Don't I deserve honesty?

Oh well.

I just miss my old life so much that I cry the very moment I remember yearning for it. Don't get me wrong, my present is wonderful and so colorful but the circumstances I mentioned previously make me want to go back and stay there forever. But life, no matter how difficult it has become, should go on.

Adulthood can be such a hassle at times but I know life can only become better - I will always be that daddy's little girl who always hopes for the better.

What's my point? Just pouring out - this is my blog anyway.

Blue Sneakers

I was in the middle of a conversation with fellow yuppies in jeans when I noticed that one of them is wearing a pair of blue Adidas sneaks. I got lost in the conversation and just stared at those sneakers with that "missing feeling" within me and thoughts of Hon keep on sinking in.

You see, Hon used to have that kind of sneakers too if not because of old age and of being almost a complete wreck, its not gonna retire yet. I cannot help but miss that blue sneakers. I am a sentimental basurera. I keep receipts, tissues, candy wrappers, gift wrappers, doodle notebooks, journals, all sort of tickets, greeting cards (most of them are older than my youngest sibling who is now 11), I still have my meme who has been keeping me company as I sleep since forever, letters, post it(s) - name it, I think I have it. Yeah, letting go has been an issue for me and for my room in years. What can I say, I am a sentimental basurera but I have changed a bit - I no longer have ex-boxes, baby!

That blue sneakers were amongst my favorite shoes for him - well, one of the things I like about being his Beb is that he ALWAYS asks me what do I like for him or what looks good on him. I appreciate that he asks. That pair of sneaks was actually the first pair of shoes I asked him to buy for himself. It was a love at first sight for me and not to mention of the countless memories that I have with that. From the many crying scenes to walking with our hands clasped, the many hugs and kisses along the streets (yeah, we're that showy!), him carrying me on his back, movies, dining, Midweek/Sunday service, UPD, Baywalk, Puerto Galera, Esteban, Iya's place, under the tree, wooden chair, old office and the list goes on.

Sigh.

Since it was old enough to retire, I no longer see them but I tackle the streets now seeing Skechers, Mendrez, Nike or World Balance walking beside me as the owner lovingly carries my hand.