Invictus*

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

*Invictus is a Latin word for "unconquered".

Poem written by William Ernest Henley. 

A night with FSJ

 

 

 

 

It was a night like no other.

What with a downpour that shook my almost shattered being – after an exigent day at work but my great partiality for this man is just compelling. The sheer thought that I would see and hear him talk has already won me over a thousand times that I easily dismissed my aching soul. I just knew that it was a night that I could not let pass.

As my hand clasped with my beau's, we were one of the hundreds (if not close to a thousand or two) of audience who intently listened to what he had to say about the contemporary issues that the Philippines are facing.

While waiting for the talk to commence, I started to feel a little twitchy. I just could not wait to see and hear him talk in the flesh again. The last time I met him was during my high school days, when I used to write for a school paper. That time, he was already a really passionate person/writer/Filipino. My very young heart then was captured.

My waiting soon ended that moment I saw him with his trademark hat on. My heart leaped that I had to silently contain myself – almost commanding it to hush.

National Artist for Literature F Sionil Jose is one man who never failed to interest me since the time I first heard him talk and read his writings more than a decade ago. At 85, he still has the fire that can light up anyone’s thoughts and awareness. As sharp as he still is, I do not know anyone who can beat him with his vast knowledge about the Philippine history and this country's contemporary issues.

While this octogenarian takes being a Filipino very seriously, it amazes me how he has kept his sense of humour still very integral. A strong attestation that he believes that there is still hope for this country.

If one is a habitual reader of FSJ’s column, Hindsight – it is impossible to overlook how he greatly loves this country. His words are sharp and painful – but they are also true. He is tough love in human form to me – when he writes and speaks.

An awe-inspiring sentiment embraced me when he said that he does not write for the best writer there is in the world but instead, he writes for his countrymen. He writes for us, Filipinos. With such conviction – the way he said, “I DON’T WRITE FOR THEM. I WRITE FOR YOU!” sent me to tears. As if he was merely talking to me, how I felt loved!

Of all the leaders or personalities that this country has ever produced, nobody has ever made me feel loved as a Filipino/countryman the way F Sionil Jose did (and still does).  

He concluded the talk with a precious advice that is both simple yet complex to this country’s next generation: MAGPAKA-FILIPINO KAYO!

I told you, it was a night like no other.

===
Wrote this on August 22nd 2010.

September Issue

"À Dieu et à vous, ma joie sera."

Words well-kept

I long to feel such assurance of knowing that tomorrow, as we both wake up and the world suddenly becomes gloom, the thought of breaking our vows would simply never exist for us. 

Of making Him as our sole center, we embrace that all His answers - in whatever form, is always for the good. 

If words were pilfered from lips for aeons, we would still have that familiar warmth and groundwork we amorously and painstakingly built over the years. Some were such inane words - tousled together at the back of our minds to complete such a moment. 

Laying side by side, gazing eye to eye without such sounds, not murmurs - yet, somehow we still comprehend one another. Seven years and ten months, we have learned a lot from each other. We have become each other’s teacher. 

The times spent to teach ourselves, learn each other, study our feelings, memorize our actions - we have grown to know each other by heart.

Dismantle

Letting go of everything that surrounds me
Just sitting in the silence
Completely numb
No worries, fears or pains
Floating above it all
Flashes of memories come
Reminding me of the past
Showing the person that I was
And who I chose to become
Wondering about the future
And who I will be then
Interested where my life will be
Will I be pleased with the choices that I made
And the path of which I have traveled?

Dearest

The TV is still on at past 12 midnight, you were just staring blankly – and then you were sobbing. Those bitterly sobbing made me stayed up all night, too. I am sorry that you felt rotten. I wish you never have to go through that familiar misery again but you still did.

I saw how badly wounded you are now and it pains me, too. Those bulging eyes from excessive crying, those loud hiccups and relative chest pains – these things you do not actually deserve. I can see you – all of you.

My dear, I have learned not too long ago – although I still have a hard time accepting it but truth is, there are just some people who seem to be enjoying watching someone else get burned. That there are some who finds satisfaction and happiness when they've caused other people so much pain. No matter how much we both complain about how the circumstances can be unfair but life is never fair, you see. You win some, you lose some but do not ever lose that faith and hope that is still in you.

I have seen all those phases in your life when the world required you to grow old faster than usual, while it was difficult for you – you still faced it head on. There were struggles you never imagined but you faced them not because you deserved them but simply because there's no other way but to move forward.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be alright but I know that you have heard several people promised the same thing to you and yet, you are in this murky place – finding your way back.

By the look in your eyes, you are questioning and doubting. Whether you are tackling the right path, is this the kind of life you're bound to have, must you always have to be surprised by things you should have been told a long time ago, should you always have to pick up yourself every time people caused you so much pain, should you always have to endure and until when.

I know where you are coming from. I know your pain. But I hope you also know that, as it did in the past, all these tests are meant for you to become stronger and a better individual. That at the end of it all, even if people cannot seem to stop themselves from lying and hurting you – you will still come out as a victor. There is no point in trying to reason out or understand why they do things – it'll just worn you out. You are better than this. I know that.

Cry if you must. Feel pain now but please, do not stop there. Learn from this painful experience. Forgive them when you already can but you must forgive yourself first. You cannot give what you do not have. This will not happen overnight, the pain will plague you like a nightmare but do not let that nightmare get the best of you. You are better than that.

I know that despite all those mouthful complains, you have a good heart. It amazes me how you can still manage to keep yourself afloat despite all the craziness. I am glad you have not rebelled just so you could prove your point. You have me, I will always be here no matter what. I am, as I was in the past, your greatest friend. But above all, you have Him. He has always been your Master Shield.

For now, I wish you'd pick up that matte foundation – put it on your face. Put some blush on and a little lip gloss – so that you'll have some color. Get up now. Show the world that you have class. That it will take them forever to bring you down – you are just too good for them. Ha!

Tell yourself over and over that you must have something great in you that they could not stop themselves from tearing you down.

You may not feel this now but the dark clouds will soon move and you will finally the sun. :)

Your other self,

Me

Geeky

Disclaimer: Some cluttered thoughts by a Sudoku addict.

This addiction started in late 2007, when one boring day I surfed the Internet and searched for something that could “tickle” my brain. I tried answering a bunch of crossword puzzles, reading movie reviews and some blogs, only to realize that answering online crossword is not the remedy for my terribly growing boredom sickness.

And then I came across Sudoku.

Intrigued by the term itself, I browsed the help menu to see how this thing works. Soon, I found myself getting a scratch of paper – randomly trying to decipher each box. After completing my first box, I knew I was up for something that can seriously tickle my bored mind at that moment. Imagine the Eureka moment for me when I completed my first set. It was like successfully running your first program in Turbo C!

Since then, I got hooked. I must’ve stormed National Bookstore many times over just to get Sudoku puzzles – easy and difficult, I don’t give a damn. Haha.

Today, I have beaten my personal record. I have finished and correctly answered 15 sets of Sudoku puzzles in 79 minutes!

Geeky? Nah. While some would answer crossword puzzles, solve riddles and what have you's - mine is Suduko.

So, yes - mind your own brain. Haha.

Tweet Life

What with all the emerging of networking sites, it is so hard to picture not being able to keep in touch with everyone around the globe. Suddenly everyone was just around the corner or just a tweet or poke away.

When Friendster (FS) emerged in 2003, I was one of those who got hooked but had to close my first account before it even reached its first year – to get away from unwanted lurkers. Yes, back then I was hounded non-stop by unwanted online visitors. But as soon as I tried to shrug my pesky online visitors, I created another FS account for the most mundane of reasons – I wanted to be a part of an online community.

Soon, there was Myspace – which I was not too keen about. The interface, at least for me, was quite a handful. I was pretty much content with my FS account and the Tabulas account I was maintaining for my blogs back then. For a while, it was cool to be a part of such networking sites. When you do not even have to leave the comforts of your home or workplace and you can blab frenziedly with your friends who do not share the same time zone as yours.

One of my very good friends since 3rd grade is such a big fan of the Internet and all the good and evil attached to it. Her life, as she puts it, revolves mostly around the WWW. She could not imagine life without a Wi-fi. REALLY. Imagine how horrified she was when she went hiking and there’s no Internet. She was mortified! She is the same person who fervently asks me to create a Twitter account. She nudged me non-stop that I once published my FB status as “to tweet or not to tweet”.

Tweet – Tweet

Now, out of curiosity I did check out what this Twitter has to offer. Minus the really fancy photo uploading, it is a microblogging-networking site. Such tweets (or posts) can only accommodate 140 characters – thus, microblogging. It seemed a pretty nice social networking site (tempting enough that you get to read Hollywood celebs’ tweets) but what turned me off is that – there are just so many information that I don’t have to know. I mean, how many people would actually care about what you ate for lunch or where you will hang out tonight? Did I say, for some reason I find this Twitter scary too - simply because it makes stalking a lot easier.

I understand that many people would probably want to be heard, to have their “own” life – even if it is just online but seriously, giving out too much information online paves way for online felony.

During my peak of addiction to the WWW, I was once like that. I blogged, updated my online accounts every so often, read other people’s blogs and joined several online fora. My constant solace back then when loonies hound me, I would immediately go online and surf with so much gusto, chat until wee hours and talk using Skype. Only to be hounded by people who cannot seem to find their own niche online.

Slowing Down

Happily, (or sadly) that seemingly online compulsion started to slow down late last year - I am blogging less, don’t really care if my online accounts are up to date and yes, I don’t read other people’s blogs anymore – okay, maybe very, very few ones lang.

I am not sure if I am attributing this to the fact that I'll be 28 this year or simply because I am just really an old fashioned soul.

I miss those days when I would feverishly wait for those handwritten letters sent by my friends (and suitors), when I would nudge my parents non stop to mail those letters I have lovingly written, when I could not wait to see my friends – hear them laugh at my blunders and hilarious stories and vice versa, when I longed to be hugged and not just some sheer emoticons, when my intentions will not be judged merely because it was sent through text.

Simply put, I just miss those old days and ways.

To tweet or not to tweet? For now, NOT to tweet.

Belinda Bye-bye

But if you catch my stupid eye you'd know you're right
But I will not look again this time I will hide my heart
The spirits in my room they whisper You know the sky is now in bloom.
- Barbie's Cradle

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

 

- Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love

My Sister's Keeper

Before I became an avid moviegoer, I was an avid reader first (and still is). My collection of books can fill up I think 3 bookshelves already. And most of these books are not textbooks nor merely for references, they are all for pleasure reading. Or in my case, for travel. There is nothing more easier and most convenient way to travel than to read books. And it does not hurt that your vocabulary range widens.

My most recent reading was Jodi Picoult’s My Sister’s Keeper. It was a book given by my brother just because. Having read Picoult’s Nineteen Minutes, I was pretty sure that My Sister’s Keeper will pretty much “shock” me the way Nineteen Minutes did and left me a little cold. I knew I was bound for some unexpected story twists.

My Sister’s Keeper is a story of a family dealing with Leukemia (APL, a rare kind). Kate, the Fitzgerald couple’s oldest daughter was diagnosed with this type of cancer when she was 2 years old. And since then, they’re quest to keep their daughter alive never ceased – even considered having a third child through IVF. Making the third child a genetic match for Kate.

That was how Anna, the third child, came into this world. She was genetically engineered and was conceived through IVF. From that very moment she was delivered off her mom’s womb, her cord blood was used to donate for Kate. And then next was her blood, bone marrow and soon, she had to donate one of her kidneys since those of Kate’s kind of slows down.

This is where she tried to draw the line. She refused to have one of her kidneys be taken out of her body and filed a case against her parents for the right of her own body. That she be given the right to make her own medical decisions about how her body can be used.

Reading the book made me tinge and root for Anna, empathized with how her older brother, Jesse was suffering certain neglect and felt how difficult it must be for Kate to see how her disease has been "killing" her family. But then as I read along, I started to understand where Sarah and Brian Fitzgerald (their parents) are coming from, especially Sarah, their mother – who wears this invisible armor suit. One cannot simply ever deny how mothers can become someone mightier than any man on this planet.

I cried so much just by reading the book! So much that my eyes were really groggy for 2 days, I think. This one is a really, really good book.*wink

So, imagine how excited I was to watch the movie adaptation. And when I did, I was a little disappointed. There are just some things that did not match with the book - especially the ending (which I will dare not reveal here).

Despite all of those “flaws”, there were still moments that made me go “awww”. Like that when Brian (Dad) brought Anna to the fire station to temporarily move her away from their Mom while their case is being tried. That moment when Brian was looking at her little girl play with the other fire fighters - that was some magical moment for me.

Also, when Kate was all dressed up for this supposedly prom night for the cancer stricken patients – amidst all the chaos of having her pictures taken, she glanced to her Dad, drew close to him and asked, “Do I look pretty, Daddy?” WOW. That was really a tearjerker moment. In the book, Brian was speechless and was really crying alone. He did not expect that he would ever see her first daughter all dressed up for a prom. Well, almost nobody in that family and Kate's oncologist expected Kate would live long enough to be able to attend a prom – even if it was just some sort of a dance night at the hospital for cancer stricken patients.

Yeah, yeah – My Sister’s Keeper is what my friend Jerome calls a movie downer, because it is but despite having to shed (maybe) buckets of tears, it is impossible not to pick up a lesson or two here.

To me, it is that you don’t take anyone for granted. EVER.

So, if you're up for a good cry - catch this movie. But don't ever tell me I didn't warn you about how this'll make you cry, ok? 

  

===

Wrote this piece on July 28th 2009.

After seeing this movie being shown in HBO of late, re-posting this piece came to mind. :)

Amazed by Your Grace

Coming from dust;
Born in an imperfect world;
I, myself is a sinner.

Like what Paul said -
"we do the things we're not supposed to do,
and we don't do the things we're supposed to do."
But with Your mercy and steadfast love, I become your daughter.

For the many times I have failed You,
Still, You did not desert me;
Instead You have shown me Your awesome power.

In times that I cannot be still;
When I had troubles waiting -
You nevertheless remind me how You died for us to be saved.

During the several wee hours -
When Lalaland was yet beyond my reach,
Your words would comfort me; soothes this weary soul.

My soul is sounding with joy;
Saving me from another doom;
You are, indeed, my master shield!

From where I sit now -
I cannot help but be grateful,
And just be amazed by Your grace.

“And all You need is my Amen.” 

- akvl-f 

The Whisperer

He held my hands;
Touched them lovingly;

Different strokes;
Caressed them with gusto;

Leaned on me for awhile;
Saw me - eye to eye;

And then he whispered -
"Ikaw ang babaeng Elisier."