Hints of Doubt

Something throbs -

creeping in
digging into the very soul
leaving the body almost numb

Sobbing and praying
perfect combination
hoping that this soul
wakes up from such a bad dream

So many queries
yet no answers -
another birth of
such difficult questions

Silent cries -
murmurs of such hidden pain
making room for doubts -
"what if I am not strong enough?"

Goodbye

It absolutely blows my mind
why ever bother
to try to make things up
when I am in a much happier state
when my life went on without you in it.

It intrigues me
why all of a sudden
I am your "everything"
and that you keep on saying
that you regret a lot of things.

It puzzles me now
why cannot you let me be.
Alright, I was once that girl -
your girl.
But I am no more.

It stuns me -
why won't you just
live your life away from me.
Can't you see?
I have moved on already.

You said, you're sorry.
Well, I am saying sorry too.
You had your chance -
a long time ago
and you just blew it.

This is me now -
I have grown
and tackled life as it is.
I am happy at now
but still thankful of things past.

I know you mean well -
this time,
and I am grateful
But I can only go as far as this
and definitely nothing more.

Yes, it was nice to know you.
Goodbye.

Jesus, take the wheel

Jesus, take the wheel

Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give mo one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

First Lesson

Lie back daughter, let your head
be tipped back in the cup of my hand.
Gently, and I will hold you. Spread
your arms wide, lie out on the stream
and look high at the gulls. A dead-
man's float is face down. You will dive
and swim soon enough where this tidewater
ebbs to the sea. Daughter, believe
me, when you tire on the long thrash
to your island, lie up, and survive.
As you float now, where I held you
and let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently and wide to the light-year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.

Philip Booth

Coron Adventure: Part 2

Our second day in Coron was loaded with so many activities – mostly island hopping and the weather was pretty much better compared to the day before. The sun was shining oh so bright, so getting a nice tan wasn’t a problem. From St. Louie’s we took a tricycle ride to the market where we’re supposed to meet Lisa, Joan and the rest of the boatmen (4) who assisted us with almost everything that day.

Our first stop was Siete Picados, which is made up of 7 islands. We found a good spot to snorkel and next thing we knew we’re looking at several fishes and beautiful corals. I swear! I have never seen such really striking water creations! Wow. While in the midst of appreciating such splendor, I could not help but be thankful and took pride of being here, a native of the Philippines. I have been told that the Philippines is the epicenter (center of it all) of marine biodiversity. Can you believe that? And such fact was unearthed by no less than the foreigners. Ha! While most "outsiders" see this archipelago as a haven, most of us don't. Maybe, we should try to see this country using a rose-colored eyeglasses.

Anyway, we spent a good 30-45 minutes in this part of the island before we went to our next destination.

Kayangan Lake showcases crystal clear water worthy of the Greeks. To experience the lake’s glory, one has to tackle 100 plus steps going up to the mountain and then another 100 plus steps to go down. It was a real challenge.

After putting on my gear and secured our stuff, I hurriedly leaped off the water and for a while, I felt different. The water was cold and my imagination went wild (akin to writing short stories). As I try to go deeper (and farther), there was some sense of sovereignty – free from the demands of the city life. For a while, it felt spectacular. It was very impossible not be amazed by such beauty – rock formations, water and everything in between. No wonder why foreigners (mostly Eastern European) were plaguing that shore like anything. Also, one thing I noticed from this side of the country is that, aside from the fact that the natives are very pleasant, they are also very conscious in preserving the water and keeping everything clean. Their love for the country can be seen in how they take good care of what was given.

I wanted to stay longer in Kayangan Lake but my stomach needs some feeding already.

Off to ride the boat and we found a perfect spot – super white beach and yes, clear waters. The locals are guarding this island. What Lisa and Joan prepared for lunch was more than we expected. We had grilled fish and pork chop, seaweeds, cucumber, tomatoes, ripe mangoes, banana and tons of white rice. I must’ve eaten more than my body could handle - I fell asleep while sunbathing. We left the area probably around 3-ish.

Our next stop was CYC Island. From what we’ve been told, some bogus robbed this island off it's white sands. Ha! How sad and pathetic can that be? Anyway, we took another dip and explored the underwater – again, I was in awe. I have never seen so many little fishes swim collectively that they looked like a gigantic fish. Some of the vibrant fishes are also found in this area and yes, the corals – they were stunning!

That was our last stop.

One of the best conversations I had during the trip was with the boatmen and Joana – their unending questions about how I met my beau, where we work and my religion. We also talked about having kids, city life and they asked me to tell them stories about the different places we’ve been. Such exchanges were true and without airs – something very quite hard to find in the city.

Soon, we bid our goodbyes and said our thank you to the boatmen and Joan for making our island hopping more than what we ever hoped for. It was a solid fun.

Later that night, we had a full meal at Divelink. From Coron Town Proper, we took another boat ride going to the resort. Wonderful servers – whose genuine smile has won me over, greeted us. It was a perfect setting but not until we became a captured audience of a middle-aged man who kept on yakking about the money he had to shell out to pay for the diving sites. He yakked for a good 20-25 minutes non-stop to one of the servers. I rolled my eyes several effing times in disbelief. I mean, what the hell was he yakking about? It was not as if such fee cost him a thousand bucks and besides, that amount is just some small token for the natives. Soon, the resort’s manager went to their table and explained to them why they had to pay certain amount and thankfully, his yakking stopped.

To conclude, my man was right – it was a well-deserved trip and I am more than glad that we didn’t cancel it. It was very comforting to be away for a while and just be amazed with how beautiful this country is. Patong Beach cannot outdo Coron. (Love your own. Haha!) There are still so many jewels in this country waiting to be discovered and enjoyed – we’re just sometimes too blinded by the shining rays of being outside this country.

Life is Short

Got this from my email and I was so moved that I had to publish this here.

Life is not always the party we expected to be
but as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.

The girl in the picture is Katie Kirkpatrick.

Next to her is Nick, her fiance.

The picture was taken shortly before their wedding ceremony.

Katie has a terminal cancer and spent hours a day receiving medication.
Nick was waiting for her on one of the many sessions of chemo to end.

In spite of all the pain, organ failures, and morphine shots,

Katie took care of every detail of their wedding.

The dress had to be adjusted a few times due to her constant weight loss.

An unusual accessory at the party was the oxygen tube that Katie used throughout the ceremony and reception.
The other couple in the picture are Nick's parents,

excited to see their son marry his high school sweetheart.

Katie was all smiles as she listens to a song from her husband and friends.

At the reception, Katie had to take a few rests.

The pain did not allow her to stand up for a long time.

Five days after their wedding, Katied passed away.

Watching a woman so ill and weak getting married and with a smile on her face makes us think - happiness is reachable, no matter how long it last.

We should stop making our lives complicated.

Lost Voice

Murmuring resonance
Of such broken lines
Verbalize -
Through the eyes
And written verses
Such puny throat

Gruff voice.

Lost.

Six

It’s time now to sing out,
Though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends.
Remember the love! Remember the love!
Remember the love!
Measure in love.
Seasons of love!
Seasons of love.

Light and Love

Early this month, we turned 6 years old. Between my man and me, I was the less optimistic of this relationship at the onset. I almost placed my highest bets that our relationship will only last for a good 3 months, 6 tops. Although I had generous hopes of what this relationship will turn out, I was not really all for it. I had trouble trying to decipher him at the onset that it was only after we reached double digits that I started really feeling a little comfy and secured. It was odd, yes?

During all these years, we faced all sorts of troubles (some were almost larger than life). We had our unimaginable fights really worthy of a Nobel or Pulitzer. No effing kidding. But we’re both good sports, we’re still here. Still Hon and Beb – only better, so much better.

If there is one thing I consider our best trait as a couple is that we bounce back. Sure, we argue and sometimes, dramatic lines are being thrown but we’re handling our issues so much better now. We have grown, realized that lessons are to be learned and whatever issues we face, we tackle them as is – no holding back. I am not surprise why trust and honesty (among other things) contribute well to a healthy relationship.

As of this writing, my other foot is stepping on yet another troubled stream – while I can never foretell what happens next, I am certain that my delicate hands will always find my Hon’s.

I certainly owe much of my growing up to this man whose love is stubborn.

Cheers to 6 years and counting!

Coron Adventure: Part 1

It was an almost canceled trip.

Having been away to nurse my tissues, I was not in my best mood to hop another plane and enjoy being away from the hustle and bustle of city life. Oh! Please don’t get me wrong, I am a native city girl who loves the outdoors and traveling at that but sometimes when you’re nursing something and in the brink of collapse, you’d want to just stay in bed and act normal.

I made several phone calls, sent sms and Facebook-ed my beau – instructing him to cancel our Coron, Palawan trip. And being the sometimes bolshie person that he is, he refused to have the trip canceled and super insisted that we should go on a vacation – after all, he said, it was a well-deserved trip. I argued that I don’t need the vacation, he does – between our hands, his were always full. I rest my case.

With a heavy heart, I gave in to his endless nudging.

Onset

With my eyes still shut, I gave in to the buzzing of my mobile phone – signaling me that it is time to wake up. I set my alarm at around 5am (our flight was around 920am) because I have to pack things pa. Being the heavy packer and OC that I am, I have to make sure that all my must-haves are well packed and my clothes aren’t wrinkled.

I almost ransacked my closet – for this random fear that I don’t have anything pretty to wear. Oh well. Everything happened so fast and next thing I know, we were in NAIA Terminal 3 having our pictures taken like some crazy tourist – despite the fact that excitement is still nowhere to be seen.

After checking in our luggage, we were weighed – which is already expected since we will be flying in a 72-seater plane. More than excitement, I was pretty anxious. I am pretty much comfortable with a plane ride but with this one, anxiety was all over me. Heck, I have never tried riding a 72-seater plane before!

Imagine how my heart started running on its normal rate the moment I set foot on land.

Coron

We arrived at the Busuanga Airport roughly around 11-ish and the sun was in its mighty might, giving me hindsight of a summer escapade. Lovely. From there, we were picked up by Mang Edward and drove us to St. Louie’s Box. On our way there, we experienced some challenges – no signal for Globe, really rough road and travel time from the airport to the lodging house was around 45 minutes. Aside from those mentioned, everything was great.

Our contact person, Lisa Hunter met us at the lodging house and she was more than welcoming. She made us feel at home already. After unpacking our things, we went to Coron Town Proper for lunch and Bistro Coron served it really well. We ordered mix green salad, Mexican-cooked chicken with rice, Fish fillet and ice cold drinks. The servings were really superb and great for starving tourists like us.

After lunch, Lisa toured to us to see the market. Contrary to what I had in mind, Coron’s market is really clean and you don’t really feel scared at all. Everyone is just so pleasant.

Trekking and Hot Spring

Later that day, we met Joan our tour guide. She was everything you wanted for a tour guide – she was very accommodating, answered all our questions and took care of us the whole time.

She picked us up from the lodging house at around 530-ish in afternoon and we set off to trek Mt. Tapyas. I am not a mountaineering fan but trekking, this time, sounded fun and nice to me – so I took the challenge and warmly trekked Mt. Tapyas.

It seemed fine at first but taking 717 steps was not fun-fun. Really! And along the way, Hon slipped – leaving a permanent mark on my digicam and scratches both on his left arm and hand. No fun at all. I was pretty upset that I stormed in rebellion (because of the digicam scratches) – leaving him and Joan a few good steps behind. No sweat!

I reached the top first and what I saw from the deck is just breathtaking. Such a wonderful sight! I. SO. LOVE. IT.

On our way down, my head still hot from the marks on my poor digicam – my legs started to shake uncontrollably. And boy, they were shaking really, really hard. No kidding! Joan, Lisa and Mang Nono (our tricycle driver) were laughing their butt off. My beau took a video of my legs shaking. And soon, I was laughing at my legs too. It was a riot!

After a more than 30-minute trek to Mt. Tapyas, we went straight to Makinit to experience their Hot Spring. Excitedly, I dipped into the hot water and it was a Eureka moment for me. After a very tiring day, almost nothing beats the feeling of such warm bath.

The trekking to Mt. Tapyas and Maquinit experience is really a perfect combination. Every throbbing part of my legs (and head) that I got from bravely climbing 717 steps to Mt. Tapyas (total of 1434 steps) went away from just dipping into the hot water.

Soon, after dinner – I went straight to dreamland without any sort of detours – namamahay.

Its just the first day, yet we felt like we've been in Coron for 2 days already. So far, so good. And yes, we kept our fingers crossed - with high hopes that next day, the sun will shine at its brightest and help give us a nice tan.



to be continued...

Amen

"Do not be afraid.
I am your shield, your very great reward"
- Genesis 15:1

Fight!

In less than 4 weeks,
They resurfaced again.
This time, circling through the wrist up.

Absence of chest pain
But something in your arm twinges
Akin to having a toothache while your hair was being pulled - combined.

Battling with these “creatures”
Is throbbing and very pricey.
Consumes every part of you.

Can’t help but marvel –
When will they ever abscond?
Or will they wrap this body incessantly?

Many times, giving up has crossed the mind
Wait for something hard to strike
Render the body its penalty.

But your logical self
Will pull you back to the right track
You talk to yourself, fight your way out.

The sickly body is not alone,
Not at all times
For that, such gratefulness abounds.

For sure, no one knows
How this story will end
But one thing is definite –

Continue running this race
If we will go down,

Might as well – go down fighting hard.

Happiness

Goodbye March

As a summer loving person, the minute March peeked its lovely head; I was naturally at my happiest. Ever since the world began, I have always loved the summer season – the start of freedom from all the school works, attending summer workshops, family gathering, Kayaking and everything in between. Most of my “unforgettable” anecdotes were summer related.

Although summer was never the same again for me after I started tackling the corporate world 6 years ago but my love for such a wonderful season will never cease.

March 2009 was a real challenge for me. There were just too many dramatic episodes that literally sent me to a foreign land and doubts about my andtheylivedhappilyeverafter emerged. Trust me when I say that the drama was really worthy of the Greeks! Ha! What the eff can I say?!

With a much cooler head, I reread my handwritten journal, browsed through the dates when I was really down and thought that I was indeed such a mess. But such experiences made me see the beauty of life and the in betweens. That while it was difficult going through that, after such a storm, you just know that you have bounced back – and oh so well.

I look now at those earthly angels who never seem to have learned the ropes of giving up on me through a pair of rose-colored glasses. More than my Matchbox collection, they are my real treasure.

Sadly, I too have my unwelcoming contributions. I can be the worst cynic alive and I am aware of that. Changing one self and perspective is such a lofty goal but I have been told that to change the world one has to change himself first.

Things may not turn out pretty well at the onset but my spirit cannot be dampened - not on my favorite season.