Missing and Accepting

Tomorrow is gonna be a big day for me and my family. Tata's body will be interred and I am not quite sure how are we gonna be handling his loss. You know, life without him.

Just this afternoon, me, my siblings and my cousins were talking about Tata. His antics, how serious he was about us finishing school, how happy and proud he was when the "first batch" of his nieces and nephews marched for graduation, how angry he was when we used to kid him about his hair loss, how OC he was, how he loved us, his laugh, the way he smiles and the list goes on. And you bet, there were sobs in between those stories. We already miss him.

Dad comforted us, his kids by saying that "at least now, Tata's suffering is finally over and that he's now free from all the worldly pains." I hugged Dad and cried like a kid on his chest. I know this is very difficult for him too but I trust in the Lord and His plans are for the good.


Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.
Psalm 33:11

See You, Later, Ok?

Yesterday afternoon, Tata Rubeng - my Dad's older brother, passed away.

I was not beside him when he breathe his last.

When I paid him a visit last Saturday when he was still confined in the hospital, I wailed like a kid when I saw him. I never imagined seeing him that weak. He was always the courageous man and will do anything for his family especially for his nieces and nephews. You see, although he is married, he never had a kid of his own.

That afternoon, I cannot help but cry because he was so weak that he can hardly talk. He does not eat much and could not sleep well. My cousins and I were praying for God's guidance and it was that afternoon when we all surrendered Tata to God - His will be done. Nanay (Dad's Mom) asked us, her grandkids, to never stop praying for Tata. We never stopped.

Tata was released from the hospital Tuesday morning. He was the happiest, he said,"Ayaw ko mamatay sa hospital". (I don't want to die in the hospital). He fought hard because, "Gusto ko makita lahat ng pamangkin ko na masaya at stable na, pwde ng pakawalan". (I want to see all my nieces and nephews happy and stable, that they can stand on their own).

Tata was fighting hard for his life until yesterday afternoon, when God said that its time for him to go home. Maybe God could not stand seeing him in great pain.

Yes, the whole family is grieving for we lost Tata but we also celebrate his life. He was not perfect but he was one of the best Tito/Uncle that we can possibly have. When our Dads were not around, me, my siblings and my cousins, looked up to him as our second Dad. He took good care of us as if we are his own.

As my fingers tap the keyboard, my tears fall involuntarily too. I am sad that I won't be seeing Tata in my future anymore. Maybe, I will - in the lifetime after this.


"It's never an easy thing, saying goodbye to a brother firefighter, it's not. And this time, particularly is difficult for me because I watched Jack grow into a, well, into one of the finest firefighters I've ever known. He joined this department because he wanted to help people, who knows how many homes are still standing because Jack was there or how many lives were spared. He gave his life for that cause. We'll never forget you Jack. And we're better for having known you. But I make you this one promise, tomorrow when that bell rings, we will be back on the truck, because you were the bravest of the brave. People are always asking me, how is it that firefighters run into a burning building when everyone else is running out? Well, Jack, you answered that question by saving another man's life. Your courage is the answer. And today we will be as brave as you, by not mourning you, but by celebrating your life. So I'd like everyone to stand up and celebrate the life of Jack Morrison. "
- Chief Kennedy, Ladders 49 - Tata's favorite film.

Rain, Rain Go Away

Can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights

Sunny days
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when i was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning

I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by an invisible man
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else

Oh, where did the blue skies go?
And why is it raining so?
It's so cold
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything all right
Still I can't close my eyes
i'm seeing a tunnel at the end of the lights

Boy No More

Boys Don't Cry

I would say I'm sorry
if I thought that it would change your mind
but I know that this time
I've said too much
been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
cover it all up with lies
I try and
laugh about it
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
and beg forgiveness
plead with you
but I know that
it's too late
and now there's nothing I can do

so I try to laugh about it
cover it all up with lies
I try to
laugh about it
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry

I would tell you
that I loved you
if I thought that you would stay
but I know that it's no use
that you've already
gone away

Misjudged your limits
pushed you too far
took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more

Now I would do most anything
to get you back by my side
but I just
keep on laughing
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
boys don't cry
boys don't cry

******

I grew up having boys as my friends - Maikel,Briann, Adriel and Cirian. They were, are and will forever be MY BEST BOY FRIENDS! I have become the makulit, sometimes yakky, epal, maingay girl that i am right now because of them. And this song is like our FRIENDSHIP SONG - BOYS DON'T CRY by the cure. note it was and still is our song since they thought (i thought, too!) i am ONE of the boys.

I have my own share of them-always-getting-into-my-nerve. I have my own share of crying moments kasi sobrang iniinis nila ako.

But having them around made me feel really blessed. they made me feel well protected and guarded. with them around, I am really well taken good care of minus of course their kakulitan and all.

Long before TGIS has their group hug, we already have that since I was like around 8 or 9 years old.

I feel so damn good everytime I hear them still call me kuting. feels like home.

I know that we all have our own "grown up" lives na. Ciriann is already in the US and sobrang mayaman na, Adriel also in the US juggling work and school, Briann is now a law student, Maikel is already UP THERE, enjoying perfection and me... nah! crazy, pretty me!

I remember when i'd always cry to them because natalo ako sa pog and sa text and they'd sing boys don't cry to me and then after wards i'll stop crying na. not because I thought I was a boy and that I shouldn't cry but because hearing them sing this song made me feel ok.

Haay, I miss the good 'ol days.

I Think, Therefore, I Am

I always wanted to be different - I think, I should give my parents credit for that. There's this certain passion or fire within me when I do things but then sometimes, I got screwed when the loonies get the wits out of me. I can be crazy sometimes but thanks to my earthly angels who had been faithful through sun and storm and their presence is far more worthy than any thing that can be bought in any market in the world.

I've learned much from life, from my own mishaps, from my loving mom, souls from the past; I would like to think that I have been early awakened and made observant by the many hurdles that life has to throw on me.

I love having hearty, sensible talks with friends and enemies alike. I shall always look back on that time of mental awakening as one of the happiest in my life. I like meeting new people or even old ones and when they introduce me to the world of ideas; when one enters that world everything else fades for a time and all that went before is as if it had not been. yet I found curious survivals; some of the figures of my old life seemed to be waiting for me in the new.

I, too love kids. They have an innocent enthusiasm that inspires me. They remind me of the way I used to be: carefree, worry free and unconcerned about failures. I can spend the whole day just playing, talking and listening to whatever they say. They can be kulit and all but their intelligent-epal responses are superb! Did I tell you, they're the reason why I am in school again and taking up a different course after IT - that 4 long excruciating years at PLM?

I've been betrayed, deceived, insulted, misjudged and I know that sometimes I am completely hidden by the clouds but I will emerge black and shining because HE is with me.