Giggles

And then she giggled. Suddenly, I am the happiest person on Earth.

5 Loaves and 2 Fishes

So I'll give you every breath that I have
Oh Lord, you can work miracles
All that you need is my "Amen"

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all
I hope it's not too small

Amazed

Coming from dust;
Born in an imperfect world;
I, myself is a sinner.

Like what Paul said -
"we do the things we're not supposed to do,
and we don't do the things we're supposed to do."
But with Your mercy and steadfast love, I become your daughter.

For the many times I have failed You,
Still, You did not desert me;
Instead You have shown me Your awesome power.

In times that I cannot be still;
When I had troubles waiting -
You nevertheless remind me how You died for us to be saved.

During the several wee hours -
When Lalaland was yet beyond my reach,
Your words would comfort me; soothes this weary soul.

My soul is sounding with joy;
Saving me from another doom;
You are, indeed, my master shield!

From where I sit now -
I cannot help but be grateful,
And just be amazed by Your grace.

-KLF, 07/15/08

Brighter than Sunshine

What a feeling in my soul 

Love burns brighter than sunshine.

Hand Waving

Thank you, dear L for sending me this apt reminder. 

You truly rock, my friend! \m/

Don't judge

Faith

Motherhood

Motherhood has changed me in more ways than I could ever imagined. 

That very same day that we found out that I am heavy with our first child, my outlook in life has changed dramatically. My views on a lot of things changed for the better that even loved ones noticed.

Suddenly, I have this strong will to improve myself, to become the best version of myself. When not so long ago, I was happy being a better version of me. I was content juggling the role of being my husband's Beb, managing my own team at work, confidant and chika-mate to my friends, a big sister to my siblings and a loving and independent daughter. And I was happy.

And then I became pregnant. After 9 months of waiting, we finally saw and held in my arms the answer to our prayers. I am insanely happy. Tearful happy. Like when you're so overwhelmed that your heart pounds so hard, it feels like its about to explode.

I am happier.

Yanna is nearing her second month outside my womb and she has already given me and my husband sheer joy without even trying. She smiles, shows off her dimples, stares back, lifts her head, makes some "ahhh" sound, smells good that no perfume could ever top - these things and more, make me think that I must've done something great that is worthy of such a reward from the Heavens. 

Being a wife to a wonderful and gorgeous husband while also being a mother is not always a bed of roses. There are some thorns that need to be conquered but that's part of the deal.Yanna, for one, is still nocturnal. She follows no rules (yet) and wakes/sleeps at her own will. Haha. 

Love, I have learned, is not just about the good qualities of a person. It is also accepting the other person's quirks and idiosyncrasies. I knew that I needed to be stretched even further and God knows what He's doing when He granted me my heart's desire.

Happiest Season

It's the most wonderful time of the year
There'll be much mistletoe-ing
And hearts will be glowing
When love ones are near
It's the most wonderful time of the year. 

Princess

I never knew how huge and great my love for your Dad was
until I saw and realized how much he's loving you.

Here in our midst

You came into our lives

at a time when we least expected it.

Yes, we prayed and prayed for

someone like you in our midst

and yet, we could not help but

be amazingly flabbergasted

when we first realized

You are here.

Inside me.

9 months later,

you shell out a cry

that roused me

from my deepest slumber.

Your cries, albeit loud –

are still music to my ears.

I knew it was you –

my dearest one.

You smile as you sleep –

showing off that cute facial dimples.

Oh, how I love seeing you smile!

They make things seem right –

that I must’ve done something great,

to deserve this moment.

This piece of heaven.

I stare and cradle you in my arms

and still, I am amazed by this instant.

That you are here.

In my arms.

In our midst. 


Written for my Yanna. 

An early Christmas Present

On November 24th 2012, we received one of the best Christmas presents ever!

With much anticipation, our baby girl is born. She came out at around 8:51 pm after more than 12 hours of labor.

2am: Woke up to eat some bread and drank  juice.

4am: Woke up again to this "pop" sound and with the gushing of some fluid off me.

415am: Phoned my parents to say that we're heading to the hospital. 

6am: Admitted at Makati Medical Center. To nourish me, an IV was attached into my left hand. To monitor the baby's heart rate and my contractions, they also wrapped something around my tummy (which will become very uncomfortable later on).

830am: Was given something for the labor pain. For the longest time, I have heard girl friends who are already Moms complain about how painful labor is. It is the worst type of dysmenorrhea, they said. Boy, they were spot on! The pain is akin to dysmenorrhea and then you magnify that 100 times. No kidding!

11am: One of the sweetest and unexpected things happen while I was in active labor - my husband wrote me a love letter (which I later lost!). The nurses and resident doctors inside the labor room were feeling "kilig" over this sweet gesture. Heck, who wouldn't?! *wink*

2pm: Another dose of epidural was given to me. The pain was ridiculously unmanageable! At around this time, I have been told by my OB, Dra. Patricia Alvia that I was still around 4cm down there. It has to reach 10 cm for the baby to come out naturally.

430pm: At around this time, I was feeling nauseous already - for lack of food and liquid intake (if you've been reading, my last food intake was around 2am). I asked the nurses and resident doctors who were monitoring my "progress" if I can take something and to my dismay, I was only given something to moisturize my lips.

530pm: My OB conducted an IE procedure again and declared that I was measuring 7cm already. She said that while my progress was rather slow, she could not discount the fact that it is still a progress.

7pm: My OB checked on me again and I was still measuring 7cm. This is when she talked to me about delivering the baby via C-section. I agreed. At this point, I was already very exhausted. They asked for my husband's consent. And soon, my OB and her team started to prep me for the operation. 

Exhausted, I let go of everything already. In silence, I uttered a prayer - for a safe delivery.

8:51pm: I heard the baby cry. She's finally out! Her cries were music to my ears. I looked around and I saw my husband inside the delivery room. He witnessed how my OB "pulled out" our baby girl and according to him he felt like he was in an episode of  House. Thankfully, he did not faint. :)

To experience bringing out another life into this world, I could not help but feel proud and humbled to be entrusted with such an opportunity. It is an honor and a privilege to tackle the greatest and most challenging job ever - to be a Mom. To be a parent.

Elianna Kanae L. Fantillo (Yanna)
She was 2 days old at the time this pic was taken. 

Steady my Heart

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart

Knock-knock

"You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it."

Matthew  21:22

Amazed

You dance over me while I am unaware
You sing all around but I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me

You paint the morning sky with miracles in mind
My hope will always stand for You hold me in Your hand

Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me

Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me

How wide, oh, how wide, how deep, oh how deep
How great, oh, how great is Your love for me
How wide, oh, how wide, how deep, oh how deep
How great, oh, how great is Your love for me

Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me, oh, You love me

Lord I'm amazed by You, Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You, You love me

5ive, baby!

We stand on a hill
Between the earth and sky;
Now all is still
Where the Loyola's colors fly;
Our course is run
And the setting sun,
Ends Ateneo's day.
Eyes are dry at the last goodbye
This is the Ateneo way.

Mary for you,
For your white and blue,
We pray you'll keep us, Mary,
Constantly true.
We pray you'll keep us, Mary,
Faithful to you.

Down from the hill,
Down to the world go I,
Rememb'ring still
How the bright blue eagles fly.
Through joys and tears,
Through the laughing years,
We sing our battle song.
Win or lose, it's the school we choose,
This is the place where we belong.

Thank You

The past couple of weeks have been pretty tough for my family due to the hospitalization of my Iya (GrandMom) and sister, Ella. Both were confined at the Makati Med for more than 3 days. During these trying times, we have experienced how God worked His wondrous ways through and through.

I write this entry with a VERY overwhelmed heart - what with the miracles that happened from day one until they were released from the hospital and I know that His miracles will not stop from there.

Please allow me to thank EVERYONE who prayed, shared their blessing and paid my Iya and Ella a visit during their stay at the hospital. It meant so much to me that we are super surrounded by earthly angels. God is gracious.

I do not know how else I could repay your kindness but I'll be praying for you, too. There is nothing in this world that prayers and faith cannot do.

Again, THANK YOU. 

My Iya

I have always considered myself blessed (despite of all the trials) mainly because my siblings and I grew up in an environment where we have so much to be thankful for. And even if we do not always have what we want, we would always get what we need. 

God has blessed us to grow up with wonderful grandparents. My Lolo (Grandfather, Mom's side) passed away last December 2009 and despite his grumpy ways of saying he cared, he left a huge mark and a void that cannot be filled. That only he can fill.

My most loved and favorite GrandMa ever is Iya (an endearment for Lola). I consider her a strong pillar and has a huge impact in my life by being there for me since the day I was born.

At the time (late 50's) when most women would be a mother and a homemaker, Iya tackled the road of being out in the field to work. Helping my Lolo bring a steady income in their growing family (they have 6 kids). She had a gorgeous collection of bags, accessories and really nice clothes - some of which were already handed down to me. This is why, I think, I have this knack for bags and accessories. :)

I have always considered her to be strong - physically, mentally and emotionally. This is why I easily broke down when I first realized that she is slowly losing her bearing to Alzheimer's. When suddenly, she has to depend on everyone at home to fulfill her needs. 

A couple of days ago, I have been told that she suffered a mild stroke and is now confined at Makati Med. I wanted to go see her and stay at the hospital when I don't have to go to work but it might be risky for my 29 weeks-old baby in my tummy. I would just usually get updates from my Mom and brother. 

Iya is fighting and responding well. The clots just went away, allowing her to move her hands and arms. Thankfully, she was not paralyzed. She just find it difficult to swallow and people around her could hardly understand what she is saying. 

Mom said that Iya is back to her usual self - grumpy at times and playful. She just have to undergo therapy to help her swallow. But her vital signs are normal. :) 

These are trying times yet again for our family but I put my trust in the Lord that He will provide, alleviate the pain and that His ways are ALWAYS for the good. 

 You bind the broken hearted
And save all my tears
By Your word, You set the captives free
There is nothing in this world
That You cannot do
I simply live, I simply live for You

 PS:

To anyone who is reading this piece, I humbly ask to please include my Iya in your prayers. 

Thank you. 

Hon

Thank you for your steadfast and very stubborn love.

Thank you for being my Hon, 

even when I do not deserve to be your Beb at times.

Thank you for taking good care of me, 

especially now that I am carrying our baby girl.  

Thank you for looking after me.

Thank you for allowing me to be myself 

and for letting me grow in my own sweet way.

Thank you for making our little family, your priority.

Thank you for incessantly praying for me, for us.

Thank you for teaching me to be generous. Our baby girl will pick that up.

Thank you for arguing with me and letting me know my mistakes.

Thank you for striving to become a better version of yourself.

Thank you for being a wonderful husband. 

This is why I know that you can be a great Dad to our baby girl. 

You are most loved. 

Oh, lovely!

We're having a baby girl!